Morbid Fear (of Yesteryear)

Written 18th December, 2008

I’ve never expressed this but I worry an awful lot – an awful awful lot when it comes to Sinjay (now Jayel). I give a lot of leeway to allow for normal circumstances but the moment that he is not home by that certain time I start to worry, I start to stress, I start to fret, I start to hyperventilate, I start to pace the room, I start to lose concentration.

Today I shall keep myself busy until such time.

He normally finishes work at 4:30. He finishes packing his tools and chatting at about 5pm. I allow for an extra 30 mins of conversation – because it’s just the way he is. And then a 45 min drive home. That takes me to 6:15pm. Usually though, he is home anywhere between 5:30 and 6:30. But 6:15 is "the norm".

This week he has been home before me. Twice. Monday and yesterday.

It is currently 5:55pm. The reason why I’m a little bit stressed? It’s because I didn’t get a text reply from him today. I messaged him on my way to work at about 8:20am and he’s not responded all day. This is HIGHLY UNLIKE him. He would NEVER not reply to a question I’ve posed. Especially considering the topic which was about Catty being in or out of the house. Why was it so important? Because of Saiah. The LAST thing I would want is to lose Saiah. Losing Flame was much too painful and Sinjay (Jayel) knows this.

I figure that if Rory hadn’t seen Sinjay (Jayel) rock up to work, and not gotten through to him on the mobile, he wouldn’t think to call me. Not until perhaps the 2nd or 3rd day.

I am morbid, I know. But I have this intense fear that I will lsose Sinjay to a car accident one day. It’s almost a BELIEF. I am CONVINCED that I won’t have my Bebe for long. Because he is just too amazing. Too good to be true… That things in life that are THIS GOOD just don’t last long.

I cry. I literally cry desperately over this scenario that exists only in my head. I cry as though I have truly lost him. It’s so fucking ridiculous. And I think about what I would do to survive. Move house. Stay with Mum. Go to Cairns and be with Cherie. Etc. It’s ridiculous. And just silly. But these are my thoughts.

I know he had plans to drop into Optus today, to see if our internet modem has come back. But he hasn’t messaged me to that effect either. Usually he reminds me – knowing I think somehow that I DO really worry. I have clasped my arms about him with desperation in my eyes enough times for him to know that I worry when he takes a little bit longer.

I think about silly things. Like who I would end up being with instead.

I also think about serious things, like spending Xmas’ with Cherie anyway and wondering at what point that would become inappropriate. And more practical things like how I would meet the house payments, how much time I would take off work, and how I would go about obtaining his Super. (And wondering whether he’s put me down as a beneficiary). And what I would do with his stuff. His car, his clothes, his tools, his keepsakes.

I love him. I love him so much. I love him so goddamn much.

He’s my bebe. And he’s another part of me. He is my half.

I love him. I love him so much….

Please come home my Bebito…

6:07pm