A Piece of Me

After all that… After the conversation softened and opened up… We organised a coffee-meet for today. Well, he won me over with mention of a "hot chocolate" hehe.

"Do you have plans tomorrow?" he asked. I rolled my eyes, thinking ‘I don’t want to meet up with you. Firstly, you’re being an idiot. Secondly, you’ve been unresponsive until now. Thirdly, the only reason why we’re chatting NOW isn’t because you sought me out, but rather BUMPED INTO ME on chat. No I’m not interested.’ I replied flatly, "Have to do groceries. Why?"

He should’ve known that would not be a usual Dee response. But men are dum lol. But maybe not so dum, cos that’s when he mentioned HOT CHOCOLATE. Oh !! It’s my absolute weakness at the moment. It is the one way I’ve fed my caffeine addiction throughout the pregnancy lol. (Here’s to hoping there’s really not THAT much caffeine in chocolate).

The thing with Clive is that… talking to him, and meeting up with him, is a REALLY GOOD escape for me. When I spend time with Clive, I am totally drawn back to ME… He’s not gushing over the pending baby, and he’s not asking about the preparations, and he’s not asking about my relationship… cos he’s a GUY !! When we get together, all we care about is talking about the stupidities we have fascinated each other with since the begining of our friendship – his issues, his crazy life, people at MA, and sex. When I’m with Clive, I am the Diosa from MA – independent, confident and free.

I guess, I DON’T really care all too much about sharing too much about MY life (although he DOES  know a fair bit – he was a number one support throughout the time that I nearly separated from Sinjay)… because by now I don’t necessarily want to DRAW HIM INTO MY LIFE.

I tried, by inviting him to the Baby Shower, but he said no. And I understood that our friendship isn’t that kind of friendship. He’ll probably NEVER step foot in my house, nor I in his. He’ll probably never actually sit down and have a conversation with SINJAY and I will probably never have the pleasure of meeting any of his fleeting girlfriends (whom he pathetically "falls in love with" after a day or so, and then they dump him).

Whereas other friends.. even ones from MA.. such as Tash.. (and Shannon who wrote on my Wall on Facebook saying that she’d "mixed up the dates of the Baby Shower"…. Yeah right, whatever.. — in 9mths since I left MA she has not responded to any of my suggestions of meeting up for coffee dates etc.. but then she’ll gush and fuss with a note or email, completely out of sync, and tell me how much she loves and misses me… Like huh?? She IS young though….)..

Anyhow, OTHER FRIENDS from MA .. are women… and they want to know the LATEST .. and the LATEST in MY life is …. Baby baby baby !! Of course, I love to talk about it, as it IS the latest in my life, and it IS the most exciting thing in my life right now…

But sometimes….

You just want to be you.

I just want to be Me.

I guess the question now should be.. Is it the REAL Me that I crave..? Or is it the prior-pregnancy Me… the prior-this-stage-of-my-life Me… the prior new-Me ???

New Me…. Hmm…

I’m enjoying this journey, don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying learning all that I’ve learnt, I’m enjoying learning how to cook and look after my household… And I’m definitely looking forward to having my bubba with me… and living THAT life…

But is that where everything will stay at ?

Will I ever feel independent, confident and free again? Will I ever feel SEXILICIOUS again? Will I ever feel vibrant and sumptuous again? Will I ever feel like I can walk into a room with the kind of gait that says, "Look at ME… Just.look.at.THIS… I am what you want to look at… I am who you want to BE…"

Anyhow…

So although I will be driving all the way out to Beenleigh to meet up with Clive… and yes I DO need to do my groceries lol at some point…. I will do so gladly. (I had been tempted to CANCEL…)

I will do so gladly because…

I need a piece of Me.