Aching

I had a dream one night where I was walking down the hallway at my parents’ place and as I walked into the living room, Mum, Dad and The Kids were all gathered around sitting on the chairs and couches, just conversing casually. In one chair was a baby bouncer with a little baby in it – and it was Cherub. She was sitting there, with her little baby face, looking all confused, and staring at her surroundings.

I couldn’t comprehend how it was that she was born without my knowledge! It seemed as though MUM had given birth to her after all… Or that perhaps it all happened while I lay unconscious. I felt robbed and cheated.

I walked over to Cherub and picked her up in my arms, She had spiky soft black hair and grey eyes, and as I lifted her up in the air, I spoke to her in loving and cheerful tones, telling her that it was ME – that it was Mummy. But she didn’t recognise me, and she didn’t know who I was. She just kept looking at me with her confused little face, and looked away, around the room again.

I woke up emotion-less. I felt that the dream was meant to disturb me, although I was not disturbed. It was as though my body WANTED to feel the emotions but there were no emotions. When I told Sinjay about the dream, he assured me quietly that Cherub will definitely know who I am… that there is nothing for me to worry about – that Cherub will love me…

At this point, I realised that somehow.. I needed that reassurance.

 

I have 4weeks to go and it has certainly gotten to that point of near-desperation for me. I am wanting her in my arms SO BADLY… SO BADLY… SO BADLY… it is hurting… It makes me cry if I think about it for more than a second… I am ACHING for her… I am EMPTY without her…

I look at other mothers with their babies in their arms, or in their prams, and I almost feel angry at the seeming injustice. How is it that THEY get to have THEIR babies with them ?!?!!?

I am suffering… I just want her HERE…. WITH ME….

 

Halfway through the night last night I woke up to some period pain… Then I had aches and pains in my lower back…  Then some more period pain – though it was less severe… Then some more in my lower back…

I wondered if that night would be The Night… I was much too excited, and I couldn’t get to sleep… I wondered if I could make everything happen through the use of my thoughts… Though I equally knew I was being silly and stubborn… as she technically has plenty of time to finish her development yet…

I kept tossing and turning… wanting it to happen SO BADLY…

And then out of nowhere, out of the blue… I have not even remembered this song since I was a teen… the song started playing in my head… I was singing it softly and calmly…

In His time… In His time… He makes all things beautiful… In His time….

At this point I calmed completely and fell back asleep.

 

 

I told Mum about these aches and she warned me to keep an eye on those.. she said that my body is sending signals.. telling me that The Time is not far away… She said that even if it doesn’t happen SOON, Cherub may come a week early or so…

We completely bonded today. It was lovely. We are sharing in a different way. In a woman-to-woman way. She shared different stories of her births. The emotions, the frenzy, the flurry…

I think we’re able to bond because I am becoming a mother and because I am also becoming "a family woman"… Cooking for my man, and such… It is something she can relate to, and share ideas and stories about…

 

 

I am so ready…

I am SO ready to receive my little bubby into this world…

 

 

Cherub, I love you… I love you so much…

I ache to have you in my arms….

I love you…