My Little Girl

There are many thoughts I have had throughout this wonderful journey, many disoveries, many experiences… And yet these thoughts have managed to escape from my mind as though they never existed in the first place…

I am sad to have become so flippant regarding my writing, and my expression, especially during a time such as this…

When the doctor (Rob) told us she was a little girl… I cannot say that I was disappointed but rather surprised… Surprised at my lack of elation… Surprised that the news should be taken by me so matter-of-factly… Surprised that the information soaking into my mind wasn’t one akin to the rush you feel when you achieve something you’re proud of…

Not that our little girl was nothing to be proud of… Let me make THAT loud and clear…

I was simply surprised at the lack of excitement.

As the news settled in I realised matter-of-factly that, okay, we were going to have a little girl. Not a little boy like in so many of my daydreams. I had always imagined myself with a little boy beside me, calling out to him in the playground "Time to go home, c’mon!" and dressing him up in his school uniform as a wee little one trotting off with schoolbag too big for him.

But now these daydreams, which have continued!, I must change to that of a little girl…

A beautiful little girl…

As the minutes passed and Rob continued to explain what he was looking for on the ultrasound screen, my thoughts were lost in wonder and perplexion… Suddenly the sacredness of the news I had been delivered nested into the centre of my brain…

I thought to myself, ‘Oh my…. God has chosen to give me a Little Girl…’

I felt the weight of this responsibility. The awe of this higher duty. The seriousness of what I was about to embark on.

I think that in many ways, discovering the fullness, the complete-ness of my baby ~ knowing that she is a She, a little girl who will grow into into a little woman ~ has made EVERYTHING that much more real in the sense of ‘reality’.

Thus far I have felt excitement, pride, warmth, elation, playfulness… But never had I felt any of the responsibility that I suddenly feel now…

What to teach her? What to share with her? How to ensure she grows into a beautiful little woman with strength and confidence of her own? How to be the best role model she could be witness to?

It throws you a little off-balance. Some of what you have believed in for so long, some of what you have stood so strongly for, suddenly crumbles… if only a little… You wonder how you will incorporate what YOU personally believe in into the teachings of a CHILD…? You wonder whether you SHOULD incorporate what YOU personally believe in into the teachings of a child… or whether you are entitled to your opinion but don’t go shoving it down your child’s throat…?

Sinjay started calling her by her name straight away… It is taking me a little while… He lay his head on my belly and talked to her, calling her by name… while I was laying there reading a book… (a pregnancy book of course, it’s all I read these days)… But I realised that I was detached from The Moment.

Perhaps, like EVERYTHING that is HUGE in my life… it will really sink in within a few days… And I will find myself overwhelmed… tears of joy…

I still pat the belly, tell her I love her… Tell her she’s beautiful…

Yesterday I had the first experience of really having to be there for my child… She kept turning away from the doppler and as such the doctor could not check her heart. He suggested I empty my bladder as it might help the baby change positions. He must know how it works even at an emotional level. When I came back he asked if I had had "a talk" with the baby? Indeed I had…

As I sat on the toilet, I comforted and soothed her… I pat my belly… I told her that Mummy’s here with her… that we’re in this together… I told her that Daddy was here too, and that he loved her… That there’s nothing to be afraid of, that nobody is trying to hurt her… That we just want to make sure that she is healthy… I asked her to please help us complete the scan correctly, as all I wanted was to know that everything with her was okay… That I didn’t mind if we couldn’t find out whether she was a boy or a girl… That all I wanted was to know that she is healthy…

Sure enough it worked : ) She had changed positions perfectly and the doctor was able to continue checking her heart.

I am so glad to report that our little baby girl, Cherub Venus, is fine and healthy thus far…

I love my little girl….