Dis-allowing Non-allowing

To be honest, I am depressed. I’m not happy about where my life is going at the moment. More so, my career life.

I always imagined that I would squeeze in at least some HR Admin onto my CV before having children, and that way, upon my return to the workforce I would have SOMETHING. Something in my field.

But I have nothing. I am utterly embarrassed at the thought of it stating on my child’s birth certification "Mother’s Occupation: Telemarketer". I don’t want that to be the case.

Of course, it’s in my hands to change the situation right. To make like a tree from this stupid job and go somewhere else. But the pregnancy doesn’t make things any easier. The baby bump will start to show very soon.. 4-8weeks. And then of course, I hate the idea of dicking a company around. Say I find something new within the next 4weeks, but then I turn around and say "Oh by the way, I’m pregnanty so I’m only really gonna be here for about 4months".

You know ???

Every morning I wake up and feel like doing nothing but continue to sleep. And it’s NOT because of the pregnancy. And it’s everything to do with feeling utterly hopeless. Like there’s nothing to get out of bed for. What am I gonna do? I’m gonna hang around for a few hours, doing nothing of value AND THEN trotting off to a fucking WASTE of a job.

Yay, it’s bringing money into my account. For THAT I am thankful. But at what cost ?

Another thing that’s been going through my head is, like I wrote to Rachael over the weekend, that I miss my old life ! I actually do miss "Dee the Career Girl". It wasn’t a great career, but it was something that I felt accomplished about, I felt independent about, I felt somewhat proud about. I got to get up in the morning, slip into my nice corporate clothing (which naturally makes you feel good), and drive all the way into the work listening to my favourite music, traffic galore but it was part of the gig and it was what it was all about, striding into the office where EVERYONE greeted me, and we were all such a tight-knit close bunch. We all got along so well, and we were up to date with each others’ lives, and we’d go have drinkies once a month. etc etc.

I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing really quite like the working relationship between colleagues. It’s not the kind of friendship you can take WITH YOU once you leave. It doesn’t work that way. That aspect of these friendships is really quite sad, but you gotta face it – at the end of the day, you would never be friends with any of them if you’d bumped into them in the street. More often than not you’re MUCH too different in personality and style. But while you’re working together, and you have THAT in common, it bonds you and it bonds you very quickly. It’s not like friendships which TAKE TIME to build, and to nurture, and to create trust. (Perhaps that’s precisely why working friendships dissolve so very quickly once you move on…)

I miss that life…

I miss being able to turn to Sinjay and say "Let’s go out for breakfast today". Yeah we were always struggling with the bills because we earn a little less than the amount that’s supposed to be going out – it’s called Life. But we COULD just do that ! We COULD just say "Let’s go out and have a great day today cos we got paid yesterday – and we’ll sort the rest of the shit out later !" And it was fun, and it was exciting ! And WE COULD DO THAT.

NOW ?? Now we’re dreamin’. If I want to catch up with a friend, I TREMBLE at the thought of HOW I’m going to meet them for a simple coffee. Because I don’t have to the means anymore. And it’s not just the cash in hand, it’s the fuel in my car and the fact that I need it to get to my new lame-ass job, to get me a few dollars into my account the following week.

It’s funny what you appreciate once you don’t got it no more.

When I first left the job, I was so full of life and joy and happiness. Because I was enjoying the simple fact of being able to walk in the sunshine, and not be stuck in an office lol. I had big plans, I was going to walk around The Lake every morning because I COULD now. Because it was something I could only ever have dreamed of when working the 9-5. I just didn’t have the time, or the sunshine, to go for a walk around The Lake. And do you know, that over the past 2months I have walked around The Lake maybe twice ?

Isn’t that just so pathetic ?

I don’t tend to make the most of what I do have at the time. That’s just it. Like I mentioned previously, I have this knack of self-sabotaging myself and not living a FULL life.. ever. This hasn’t bothered me until now. I noticed it but it didn’t bother me. I was still all-round okay with my life. I was happy with it. But I’m NOT happy about this self-discovery of sorts. I don’t WANT to be my mother.

Recently, when having a serious woman to woman talk, she said to me that she looks back on her life and realises that all she’s ever accomplished was to bring children up into this world. That she has never gone out to explore her surroundings, that she knows nothing about the world. But that unfortunately she still has children living at home, and by the time they leave home she’ll be 60 anyway.

I don’t want to be that. I don’t want Life to pass me by and suddenly realise MYSELF when I’M 50 "Oh gee whiz look at me, I’ve just lived a mediocre life".

I want to be DEITY ! I want to RACHAEL ! I want to MICK ! I want to be somebody that pushes themselves to be ALL and MORE than they can be !!!!!!

*crying*

I want to be HAPPY.

I am GOING to be happy when bubba comes along. I will be. I will be very happy being a mother 100%.

And I am happy with my love life right now. I am VERY happy and fulfilled with my love life right now.

But there’s different parts to one’s life. And the career side of things is failing. And the social side of things has become stagnant. The creative side of things too – there’s so much to me that I just won’t exploit. And I don’t know why. I don’t know I sabotage myself like that.. once again.

WHY can’t I live a full life? WHY can’t I allow myself to be ALL that I am ? It’s almost as though I’m NOT ALLOWED. Every time I think of painting with oils, which is more often than you’d think, I have this feeling down below inside me – as though I’m not allowed to do that. Like it’s prohibited. And therefore I must put the pleasure off AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.

It’s a very sad, pathetic and embarrassing character trait of mine. Rachael picked up on it YEARS ago. Perhaps *I* picked up on it years ago but have never dared bring it out into the open. Like the fact that I wanted a pair of white Skechers at the age of 19. I finally bought them this year because they were selling for $20. But why did it have to take 10yrs to give myself a little something that would make me happy? Why? Or like the time that I really really really really wanted Pink’s album. It was her first (very cool R&B) album and I loved her to death

. But instead I went out and bought Christina Aguilera. I didn’t even like that album at first, I just listened to it because I’d paid the money for it. I bought Pink’s album a year later and even then I had to FORCE myself to pick it up off the shelf and walk on over to the counter. I nearly walked back to the shelf to put it back, and walk out. In fact, I did. And then I berated myself, and FORCED myself once again to pick it up off the shelf, walk on over to the counter, and actually hand the money over.

It goes for everything I do in my life. Whether it’s a walk in the sunshine around The Lake. A trip to the beach. Buying a cheapo microphone that will outdo the crappy laptop microphone for only slightly better recording sound.

It’s so ridiculous. It’s all so ridiculous. And where does it come from ? WHO SAID that tiny little pleasures were unallowed? WHO SAID ?

All I can think of is that … well, we grew up with pretty damn fucking strict parents. We weren’t allowed to do ANYTHING. And we were brainswashed into believing that the reason why we didn’t have as much freedom as the next kid was because THEY LOVED US. And that if the other parents REALLY CARED about their children as much as our own parents did, the other kids wouldn’t be allowed to do such things either.

We weren’t allowed to play once the sun was out of view. It wasn’t DARK yet, the sun was just out of view, and we had to cut our play short EACH. and EVERY. time. Much to our embarrassment cos the rest of the kids got to keep playing until they were called in for dinner not too long afterwards.

We weren’t allowed to listen to the Top40. We weren’t allowed to watch TV, and if we did it was maximum 1 or 2 shows at a time. We weren’t allowed to watch movies at other peoples’ places. We weren’t allowed to eat too many sweets at other peoples’ places. If we were running around being happy and loud and hyper like kids do get, we’d get a stern angry look that warned us to settle down OR ELSE. And we’d feel afraid. And there were many times we’d get a HUGE lecture once we got home a few hours later, spoiling the entire night, and being sent to bed without their love. Because they were angry. How dare you reach over for a goodnight kiss, Mum would look elsewhere and NOT kiss you back.

We were never allowed to play unless we had completed all our house chores. I believe in this teaching – it’s a good teaching. Teaches discipline. But amongst EVERYTHING ELSE we weren’t allowed, perhaps it was just ONE MORE WAY in which I learned that pleasure could never come first. That pleasure was never really ALLOWED.

Ultimately, that’s what would’ve led to my choosing to drop my lifelong dream of becoming an Architect. Because it was MUCH TOO BIG a pleasure. Instead I focussed on a teacher’s possibly-well-meaning advice that basically said don’t bother (or perhaps he was actually trying to give me tips on how to IMPROVE my overall work quality in Graphics but I didn’t hear that).

Ultimately, it’s what led to my choosing NOT to follow Psychology. Learning about traumas in my last year of Uni had me in tears a few times, and now I tell people that that’s why I chose not to pursue it. Because I knew I couldn’t handle it. But it certainly shouldn’t have been a reason not to pursue it with heart and soul, when there is countless ways to BE a Psychologist.

And now, I just won’t sign up to HR recruitment agencies. I just won’t. I just won’t apply for every single HR admin job no matter what the criteria (fuck having experience – not EVERYBODY has experience). But I won’t. And it all comes down to this: That the pleasure of obtaining pleasure from achievement, from anything, is in my mind – simply not allowed.

I saw a pair of gorgeous gorgeous sexy blue velvet heels some time ago. I fell in love in an instant. I used to be a shoe whore when I was younger. This has diminished partly due to finances and partly due to my preferences for boring comfortable shoes. But when I saw THAT pair of heels and felt the rush I had not felt in YEARS, my heart told me that I was going to buy those shoes because it was about time that I did. The aim was to buy them no matter what – and simply because I LOVED THEM. Not because they cost $20 down from $100 and hay, I don’t mind the look of these heels – like the last pair of heels I bought. But I would purchase these blue velvet heels simply because I ADORED THEM. Over time of course, I have told myself that it’s the price tag. And anyway, where would I wear them to? What would I wear them with? Naaaah, they can stay a dream. Because nobody is allowed to gives themselves SUCH SINFUL PLEASURE.

I want to change this. I deserve to change this. But it’s going to take the transformation of a LIFETIME of engrained habits. And for that reason, it is going to be an awfully difficult journey. I need to grab hold of Deity’s mantra "I am going to be happy – no matter what". I am going to allow myself that walk in the sunshine, and that painting with oils, and that job that I really much prefer, and that pair of shoes I fell in love with. (Or more like, the pair of baby shoes for my baby haha).

It’s going to be hard. But I want to do this. It’s about time that I do this.

For MY life. For the quality of MY life.

For me.