The Despicably Twisted Lessons Learned

 

BABY STUFF: Me and Bebito were gonna buy something for Baby today, but we didn’t. I think it was because we weren’t on our own after all, because Louis came with us. Perhaps another day…

Before we went to Orion, I went over to Lynette’s to drop off the DVD’s we borrowed off them. And then I said "I have some exciting news". Then cupping my hands on my belly, I tell her in a very hushed and excited (and girly) way "I’m pregnant !!" She squealed and clapped her hands together, her eyes shining. I knew that she would be one of those perfect people to share such news with because she’s SUCH a mum, and because it’s all she talks about ! If she’s not talking about Ty, she’s talking about the pregnancy of Ty, or the labour of Ty, or her current pregnancy. I’ve always found her to be a bit boring in that sense, but she tells her stories with such enthusiasm that you inevitably find yourself riveted anyway. Anyhow, so I knew that it would be AWESOME to share such news with someone like her. And sure enough, she is extremely excited.

 

 

 

 

I woke up with beautiful plans in my head. We would go to Eagle St Pier and go for a beautiful walk along the River, under our beautiful blue skies, eveloped in our beautiful warm sunshine. But alas, this constant exhaustion got the better of me and I knew I did not have the energy to drive all the way into the City.

Instead we went to our local. Good old Orion. We walked around and window-shopped instead. Now that I think about it, how that was justified in taking place of the aforementioned beautiful plans, I have NO IDEA. I am truly baffled. Why we do this to ourselves (why I do that to myself) is something that completely perplexes me. I have this BAD BAD innate habit of self-sabotage. Almost as though I CANNOT, just simply CANNOT give me the best of the best. The best of Life…. I really need to work on that…

Anyhow, it was lovely all the same. We relaxed at The Coffee Club as though Time was forever bowing down to us, and immersed in wonderful conversation, and it was great. Louis is seriously contemplating all of his options, and he kept throwing ideas at us, and trying to work out what he could do. He had been seriously considering a Chef Apprenticeship but he’s realised he doesn’t like the hours, not to mention that the hours don’t seem to justify the pay.

Currently we are all in the front room. The boys are playing games. They were playing tennis and now they’re playing soccer. They get extremely excited. You’d think they were ACTUALLY playing these games! (geekboys)

JayD was also in here earlier. She keeps coming and going, in her own little world. She’s so cute and funny. At one stage she was just sitting ’round the corner, just sitting there in the dark hallway as though she was ‘hiding’ from us lolololol. Cats are so random. They’re so so so so so cute.

I am personally intrigued and annoyed?upset? about a self-discovery I have had. It’s something that has been niggling at my mind for some time now but it became increasingly clear as I typed out the diary entries from when I was 18, regarding Matt.

I see all too clearly now that many of my relationships (or so-called relationships) from back then fell through… because of ME. It was never because of the guy involved. It was ME ! It was all me !!! And I never saw it back then ! I felt like such a victim. I felt so used and abused. I felt so ugly, rejected, discarded. And it wasn’t them, it was ME !!!!!!

This is somewhat frustrating to discover at a time in my life where I certainly can’t FIX any of it. And none of those people are in my life anymore. It’s not even like I could say, "Hay…. I’m so sorry". I really wish I could… I really wish I could.

You know, of all the guys I’d been with, in these later years I’d come to the conclusion that many of them truly cared. Mick, Andrew, Lee… But with Matt… well, in my mind Matt just never cared. Matt was a mess, and Matt made a mess of it all. And yet, now I realise that he didn’t… He didn’t make a mess of anything ! That he ALSO cared….

Now, this perplexes me in the sense that … well, I’d really like to know what had ME so fucked up in the first place. WHY couldn’t I trust men? Why couldn’t I BELIEVE men? WHY did I have this view of them as though they were cruel and hard, and therefore I had to be cruel and hard in the first place? I had to be aloof. I had to indifferent. I had to hide my true feelings because they "didn’t deserve" to know my true feelings.

WHAT THE FUCKKK !?!?! Seriously….

I don’t want MY children to learn about relationships erroneously… I want them to have beautiful healthy relationships, like so many teenagers these days DO have! It surprises me, and fills me with warmth, every time I see a beautiful young couple just SPENDING TIME TOGETHER… Like that wasn’t possible… Like that sort of companionship and comfort was non-existent… I certainly wasn’t made to believe that it was… ANYTHING that occurred between a teenage boy and a teenage girl was BAD ALL BAAAAAD…. EVIL …. SEXUAL ….. FORBIDDEN …. And what did I do with any of my interactions with boys ? I was sexual and forbidden. Ha…

*shakes head* So what am I going to teach my children when they start having their own little relationships, when I never knew what it was like to have one in the first place !?!?!?! It’s almost as though I need to re-write my history…

I’ve somewhat dabbled with the idea that perhaps I learned erroneously about men through my Mother. She does, after all, have a very twisted idea of what Dad is really like, of what his intentions are, of what his motivation is. I remember growing up, sitting at the kitchen table and she was talking to me about her problems with Dad, as usual… and one thing I learned quite heavily, that is, it was etched into my mind… was that men’s egos grow far too big when you express your love to them, and when the ego grows too big, men pull away… So in order for them NOT to pull away from you, you need to be aloof and indifferent. Don’t give too much. You need to keep some of your dignity. THAT is a lesson that was spelt out word for word by my Mother. Hand on my chest. Mum told me that even though she was married to Dad, and that even though they had been together for YEARS, the game was still the same.

What a load of CRAP and utter bullshit. I HATE that I learned this. It is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Mum also has a twisted view of men because of the incestuous immorality and filth that permeated through her childhood home. Her Dad molested her and her sisters. Her brothers molested their sisters. Some of the brothers and sist

ers had voluntary sexual relationships with each other. It was fucking twisted, it’s no wonder she has a twisted view on men. They’re all just sexually corrupted and want nothing more than to gain pleasure through the use of a woman. And I kid you not, this is exactly what was OUTRIGHT taught to us kids while we growing up. We were told to BE CAREFUL with boys because all the wanted was to grab your ass, and to get their hands in places they weren’t supposed to. Dad would just sit there and say "You gotta be careful of what you wear and how you behave because men will strip you of your clothes with their eyes alone, and tell you they want to fuck your ass". I AM FUCKING SERIOUS.

I can’t believe this bullshit is even inside my mind. But it is. And as I’m spilling all of this out for the first time in my life, I realise how fucking absurd, and SICK… it is…. All of it…

In my OWN experience with men over the years, and even the recent years, I have come to my OWN conclusion of men… That they are just like us… Just like women… They are HUMAN… They want to care, they want to love, and be loved. They have hopes and dreams and goals and aspirations, and they want the same things we want. They want companionship, they don’t want to be hurt, they want to be cared for and protected. They have dignities, and formulated opinions, and they have hearts and sexual needs and desires. They want to laugh, and have a good time, and be happy. They have their own fears and insecurities, and worries.

Men are NOT some random creatures who want nothing but to gain pleasure for themselves, destroying everything in their pathway.

They never were.

I am sorry Matt. I’m sorry for hurting you, for not trusting you. I’m sorry for never giving us a chance.

I am sorry Mick. I’m sorry that I never expressed all the love I felt for you at the time. I’m sorry that I thought you were never affected.

I am sorry Andrew. I’m sorry for hurting you, especially the way I did. I’m sorry for not giving you credit enough to believe that you could have possibly wanted me for Me.

I am sorry Lee. I’m sorry for being dismissive, and disdainful, and keeping you at bay when you were willing to give me the world. I’m sorry for using you, for crossing the line when perhaps Friendship would and should have been just fine.