Man of Gold

I’ve moved some stuff. Kylie left me a very welcoming note which was abolutely lovely : ) Nobody was home. I had the leisure of just walking around and getting used to the place that will soon become ‘home’. It’s quite dirty , like a typical uni student house. It hasn’t really been looked after. But that doesn’t worry me, ces’t la vie.

Mum texted me saying she would come over. It wasn’t the dreaded confrontation that I thought it would be. She just wrapped her arms around me in love and tenderness. She said "Do you know why I’m here?" I said "To tell me not to do it" And she said "To tell you that I love you". To tell me that she had a sixth sense about all that was going on and she couldn’t bear the dread in her heart any longer and so when she decided to call Sinjay yesterday she naturally felt the urge to ask how things were going with us, at which point he revealed that they weren’t good and that I’d broken up with him.

She said that now that she’s experiencing it all from the point of view of a mother and mother-in-law she realises just how much pain her and Dad caused to everybody when they have seperated in the past. She said she loves me, that she adores me. And that Sinjay has become a part of me, so he’s also become a son she loves very much and holds very dear to her heart – and it feels like somebody’s ripped an arm off, that’s how closely she feels it to her heart. She urged me to try God in my life, that He would provide the love and peace that I need, that we both need, and she offered Johnny as a point of contact who has helped her and Dad so much with their own relationship of late. She said that the first time her and Dad separated they hugged goodbye in tears. She said we’re in the same position – we obviously still love each other and that the separation isn’t worth the change it’s going to bring about between us in the future.

I told her that he is young of mind and I’ve tired of it. I told her that I’ve tried to address it with him many many many times over the last 2-3 years and still no change in him, that he is numb to everything I say. That it’s nice to have a man who fills me with kisses and adores me to blitzing bits and thinks that I’m oh so cute – but that ultimately a woman needs much more than that. She said she completely understood where I was coming from – that she too has been in my same position of needing so much more from her man.

When me and Clive were at the RE last night, both drunk as fuck, he opened up his heart to me and said "Dee, your man is only 26. A man doesn’t really grow up until he hits the big 3 – 0. Perhaps you just need to wait for him to catch up to you?" And the tears rolled down my cheeks. He said "This time will be good for the both of you – but perhaps it’s just a matter of waiting".

Mum talked about the same thing – that women mature faster than men, that women mature first. That some men never really mature and they are always ‘the child’ that needs to be taken care of. She admitted that she can certainly see that Sinjay is still a child, and that he lacks the knowledge of how to REALLY be attentive with a woman, how to REALLY make her feel special. But that she doesn’t believe he will mature during this time necessarily – she believes he will eventually mature through other means and avenues, in another time and place. She said that Dad has said before "Sinjay never accompanies Dee anywhere – in that regard he’s such an imbecile – And if he’s not careful one day another man will come along and pay her the attention that’s due". Even DAD has noticed !

She hugged me tightly again and told me that if ever I need to talk to somebody, or to cry, or if ever I feel lonely – even if it’s 3 or 4 in the morning, that she’ll be there for me, that all I need to do is call. She held me to her breast and stroked my hair and my face just like she did when I was a child. And it was soothing and comforting, and lovely. I felt like a child being loved.. I felt like a little baby wrapped up in love.. It was beautiful..

She looked me in the eyes with such deep love like she’s never done before, and wished me all the best. Told me to stay safe, to look after myself, and that she would pray for both of us. She would pray that eventually things would work out with us – because we were created for each other and there was no other way about it.

I think that after our talk last night, Sinjay is feeling a little bit better. Like he’s found a little bit of hope to hold onto and that may just be enough to get him by, get him through this time. He’s talking to me a lot more comfortably, and making jokes like "How on earth do you think you’ll survive without me". He’s so cute… I feel happier when he’s happy. I love him so much… Just so much… *cries*

I offered for him to come see the new place but he’s busied himself today. Which I guess is good.

I hope that we can really grow together during this time, as contradictory as that may seem. But I do hope that we can communicate and be open, and really re-evaluate everything together. We’ll see…

Deep down, I know that he’s my Man… And only a Man like Sinjay would have the patience in his heart to tell me "You just do what you gotta do". That’s my Man.

Like my mother has told me, "Sinjay is a man of gold"