Everywhere I look …

… I just see good things happening, and even when I feel doubt or fear, if I just stop and look, I find the good in it.  The last few weeks progressed along favourably.  Actually, they progressed along “Most Excellent” (NTS watch B&T’s Excellent Adventure:)  It felt like I was going through the motions and yet I wasn’t detached from the season like in previous years … a slight change, but enough to be noticeable.  I watched my children interact with each other for an entire day … it was over too soon.  As a mom, a needy mom in fact, the best gift I received this year was that day.  I didn’t interfere or get involved in the mild dramatics … I just watched.  If I were to add anything to the day, it would have been Dennis 💚 Oh I know he’s so close, but the kids and I still live in a physical world, and when I laid in bed that night, my heart ached and my grief was deep.  I cried for the first time in months and allowed how much I miss him to envelop me … then I felt my heart go peaceful and I knew he gave my a hug from the other side.  It’s been a long time since I felt that, and I knew exactly what it was.  I texted a 💚 to each of the kids and fell asleep to their 💚’s in response.

The next holiday event was Den’s family coming down for a couple of days.  Highlights included Uncle Niko giving Abigael and taste of sugar to bring her out of her initial shyness around so many people … watching Lynden put together a Lego kit like he was an engineer … understanding that Sheryl Really doesn’t want to know Anything about what’s going on in my life hahahahah … watching Jocelyn go for rides on G-Grampa Peter’s walker … the best perogies I’ve made since Den passed 💚 … and again, watching my children interact with each other sans Kaity:(  As is very common, the plan was in place but poorly executed and she and Tom decided to stick with their plans with his family rather than come home again.  In the past, something like that would have bothered me for days, but this year it was just the way it was and I was okay with that … acceptance, a nice feeling indeed.

A day and a half reprieve before jumping on a plane to Fort Mac to visit Shantal et al.  It was perfect:)  I arrived on her 51st birthday, then New Year’s Eve, then a couple of chillaxing days.  She’s changed over the years.  There was a time when we would be go-go-go the whole visit, I would be exhausted coming home, but this time it was chill-chill-chill the whole visit balanced with small experiences … a walk in the woods with Pepper and getting mildly stoned … hot tubbing and having deep conversations about expectations, acceptance, want vs need, and so on … going through her photo albums growing up and finding long lost pics of Dennis and me in our 20’s 💚, and an awesome photo of him and Niko when he was barely a month old … playing with Andrew’s VR system and being totally blown away at how fucking cool it is!!  The best by far though, was getting to know my sister more and I think she got to know me more too.  There definitely were moments where I felt overshadowed (as usual) by her, and there were moments where I totally knew the BJ was behaving/speaking as well as feeling, but for the most part I maintained awareness and slight detachment.  I sometimes wonder what she see’s in me, and yes I’m wondering about her judgements, and then realized on the plane back that it was in fact my self-judgement coming directly from the BJ, who’s wondering.  I also realized that it was time for the season to come to an end.  I had immersed my Self into relationships, familial relationships, and I was spent.

I’m ready to dig into 2020.  I have a self-imposed direction to go in, and I have had confirmation after confirmation after confirmation that this is exactly right.  Why would I ever question what the Universe is so adamant about?  Expanding on ideas that have been simmering for years and creating something out of nothing.  Writing, planning and the R&D of LWV is my focus for the next while, along with bits of everything else I want to do.  I gave myself time for my birthday … now it’s what I do with my gift that will determine the larger vision I have.