worries

ive got a very short period of time to write anything in here, because everyone is going to get home soon. But I have to, because, well….I dont know. There’s just so much stuff going on and Its all piling up. I just need to let it out, say it, write it, something. It’s not really that big a deal I suppose but I’m so worried about people.

I tried talking to frank about it, but he sent me a poem he wrote for me before I could, and the moment was just too sweet for any sadness. I love him so much.

Frank is one person I’m worried about. Not neccessarily worried, but, I can’t stop thinking about him. Its just….when alan asked me out last week I told him no, and told him the actual truthful reason why I couldnt, strangely. I told him, among other things, that there was a guy I’m in love with, and he moved away (didnt want to explain how we met so I lied), and now anytime I go out with someone I feel so guilty….because I love frank more than them. I don’t mean to but I do. Its not my boyfriend I think about and dream about all day, its frank.
Now of course I didnt go into so much detail when I told alan, but he understood. He asked "so, your never going to go out with anyone again?" And I told him I would, just not now. I wanted to wait until I found just the right person, one that I loved to be around just as much as frank.

But the truth is….I honestly don’t think I will. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that you can’t seriously love more than one person, and I already love Frank. Sure, there are people I’ve got little crushes on, but after getting to know them a little better I get comfortable with just being friends, because I don’t really care. And so what am I going to do in the future…? Just force myself to love someone else? Maybe, hopefully, I won’t have to, and some guy I meet will be just as awesome as frank is. But I’m skeptical about finding someone else like him.

Anyway……I’m also really worried about Alan. I’m so scared he’s going to do something to himself…..He really hates it here. God I hate hearing people talk the way he does….it scares me. He came to school this morning with a hangover. He was really pissed. He has been all week but today even moreso. I could tell and asked him why. He just said he was having a bad week is all…so I asked him why. He proceded to tell me that it was just a whole bunch of little things. After explaining about his crappy morning he muttered something about it being hard, having just moved here from chicago and all, like with making friends, and he said something about a girlfriend. But then Manita, the stupid annoying little girl that sits next to us who plays around with him (not in that way…)  interuppted rudely with "SO…..let me get this straight…You’re pissed off because you don’t have a girlfriend?" He shook his head and said quietly "you don’t get it, its more than that…I can’t explain it…"
I wanted to slap her SO hard…but I just smiled and pretended to take it in good humor, because I like to abide by the little rule of thumb "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer". I like staying on her good side, because she can be a very unpleasant person to those she doesnt like. Anyway….I understood what he was talking about. I know how it feels….and its not a pretty feeling…the feeling that everything is turning to shit around you, that nothing is right and it will never get any better…
So yea…..I know he drinks alot, especially when he’s mad…and I just hope it doesn’t get out of hand and nothing happens to him…im worried about him

I’m also worried about Eric. Eric has always been Eric but seeing him pissed off freaks me out. He has serious anger issues, and when he’s on something it only makes it worse. He just….I don’t know. I don’t like hearing him shouting about things, it scares me. He’s always so angry and stuff….and it just makes me sad…I dont like seeing people I care about act that way, and saying things that he says….he doesn’t realize he’s got so much going for him, he doesn’t realize there are so many people out there that care about him…..I really wish he would…

And then theres Kirsten and Ellen. Ellen is the hardest to deal with, since she tells me point-blank she wishes that she was dead and she hates her life and yadadada. I understand where she’s coming from, especially now that she’s got a new little sister and she’s having to share her mom for the first time in her life. The girl is making ellen miserable, but, I don’t have too much sympathy for her because ellen needs to just….suck it up and be mature about it. When I was there last time, they were fighting over Jackie’s door, because Jackie wanted it shut so the cats wouldnt get in, and Ellen, for some reason unknown to me, decided she would die before she let jackie close that door. So yea…..it really saddens me to hear her talk about herself the way she does but…it’s getting old, because she’s had countless numbers of people time and time again reassure her that they love her very much, and she’s already seeing a shrink, and there’s just nothing else I can do about it. I’ve done all I can. Honestly, I think she’s just doing it for attention…..because Jackie is getting so much of it.

Anyway, Kirsten……….I never thought I’d be dealing with this with kirsten. she’s the one ive been most worried about. I dont even really know what to say……but, she’s been saying things lately that just…make me wonder…make me worry. She’s hiding it, I can tell. She does what I used to do. Act all happy and yay and stuff, but everyonce in a while give subtle little hints. I disregarded it as jokes at first, but then the other day we were talking about how stressed out we were from things, and we both agreed she was even more stressed than I was, and while talking about how stressed out she was, she would say things…like, the one thing I remember distinctly is "Yea and it’s just so much and there’s only one way itll end but I’m too much of a coward to end it, maybe.."

Maybe Im being too overanalytical, but that "maybe", the way she said it, quietly, under her breath almost, made it seem like she was implying something.  I pretended I took it as a joke, just in case it was one, and I told her all cheery-like that if she died I would be very very sad, as would plenty other people. And then she told me I wouldnt be, and that no one else would be either. I said otherwise, and in a serious tone this time, I told her that I really would be sad if she died. And then I realized thats exactly what I used to do…deny the fact that people actually would care about me.
I casually pressed her further for more information, so I could know why she said what she said and why she was talking like this, and I discovered that she’s been having really bad issues with her parents lately, and moving schools and leaving friends, and leaving behind the more comfortable life we all used to have before they went and changed everything. She said everything about this year has been shitty, and the only thing left to look forward to was getting a lamb to take care of for ffa. Kirsten loves ffa things, its her hobby. She has always raised lambs, but this year, they didnt build a barn at our school so she’d have to be bused to hhs, and her mom would have to drive her all the way over there everyday in the morning and the evening to feed it and stuff. Of course, her mom doesnt want to do that, and so all kirstens hopes of anything being how they were last year were slashed.

Its not that crazy I suppose….I try to see it as we were all going to leave each other in 2 years when we went to college anyway. In two years our lives would all change anyway. I try to see what they did to us as a good thing, as now when we do go to college, we will have all already left half our friends and gotten used to saying life-long goodbyes. Only this seperation was forced…and at least when you go to college you have the freedom to go to whichever school you like (to an extent) and be with whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do, be it for better or worse. While in high school, you cant do that because youve still got your parents over you. you have no freedom. You suck it up and do what your told. I’m not old enough to jump in a car and drive across town to visit my old friends, like I wouldve been once out of high school. Okay, actually, maybe I am now since Im 16. But still, I dont have my liscence, and my parents wouldnt let me even if I did. So it really is unfair….And if anyone is actually reading this, which i really doubt they are, Im sorry if I am confusing you, the whole school situation would take up an entire entry…

But whatever, I feel alot more relieved now that ive written stuff down, and frank is probably waiting for me, so i better go talk to him. I need some cheering up anyway.

Oh yea, Patrick is also moving to Belgium. Belgium, of all places. And just yesterday I was thinking maybe we’d get back together….