Darling Dearest

I have never had anyone leave me a message on my phone that made me laugh so hard I stopped breathing, until yesterday anyway. Jesse always leaves funny messages, because if he’s not complaining about forgetting what he wanted to say or if  not he’s insulting me (playfully, of course) because I wouldn’t pick up the phone, he says something incredibly, rediculously, stupid. Without meaning to, which makes it more funny.

I won’t bother typing it. It’s something that’s only funny when he says it. I don’t know why. Maybe its the way he says things, does things, I dont know. But god…he just has this remarkable gift of making me laugh. He can make anyone laugh. Even when he does things that aren’t normally funny, theyre funny. Kirsten and I spent the whole entire lunch period today laughing. I have NEVER laughed so much in one short period of time. We realized that lunch has been more fun lately, we also realized Jesse has been sitting with us more and more often at that lunch. No moment spent with Jesse is a dull moment. Except for when he’s mad at people…then it’s actually quite scary, and sad I suppose.

But anyway, kirsten and I have been quoating "Darling Dearest" ever since, and he’s been reffering to me as "darling dearest".  Not in front of Pat of course, god no. I think Pat and Jesse have a little silent grudge against each other. Jesse asks random questions and makes remarks about Pat now and then. And Pat cringes at any mention of the name "Jesse". Thats why It amused me to discover both of them standing outside my chemistry classroom waiting for me today. Niether of them have ever done that, but today, both of them were there. Of course Pat wouldn’t do anything though, because, cmon, he’s Pat. But he gets jealous really easy. And he actually got mad at me today, which was shocking. Very very shocking. I was walking to my bus like usual, but today I was walking with Scott and Daniel, which is what I do sometimes. About 98% of the time, Pats waiting for me, but today I didn’t see him there. I stopped, and looked, and he wasn’t there, so then I kept walking and before I get in my bus, he appears out of nowhere. He had this psychotic look in his eyes and said "You did it again! I was waiting over at the fucking corner like I always do, and you weren’t there! Blah blah blah" I told him I hadnt seen him and stuff but he’s all like "Say your sorry! Say it!".

During that moment, I couldn’t really tell if he was mad or not. I took into consideration that he had gone to his shrink earlier and maybe they had given him some medication or something. He had said it all really fast, and I wasn’t sure if he was just playing around. I shrugged it off as playing, until he called me when I got home and told me he was sorry for yelling at me, and that he was mad because I had left him. I didn’t think he had been yelling at me, but I guess when I think of yelling I think of my mother, who will yell and scream till she’s out of breath. Now I feel bad. I didn’t mean to make him mad, and I guess he was yelling at me. And that….wow…:(

I don’t like when people yell at me. It makes me feel hated.

Maybe he’s frusterated with me. I would be too if I were him. I am a horrible girlfriend. And I know it. I don’t like talking to him on the phone, the most I’ll do is hug him, I forget to call him when he tells me to, I still owe him a dollar from last week, I hang out with my guy friends and they tend to be a little too flirty at times….(take jesse for example)

I wish I could explain things to him. That Im sorry. That I have too many problems to deal with and Im doing the best I can. I can’t tell him though. Frank was the only one I was ever able to open up to, and these days we arent as close as we used to be. I wish we were, so so much. But we arent. Maybe he did what he was destined to do, and thats the end of it. He saved me. And I almost hate to admit it, but I don’t need him anymore. I don’t need Frank to be happy anymore. I wonder if he’s proud of me. Or maybe he’s not. Maybe he thinks of me everyday as I do him. I don’t know. I may never know.

Why do I always want the things I can’t have? Stephen. Trey. Frank. Jesse. Theyre all off limits to me.

Oh,

and Will brought tarot cards today on the bus. Supposedly, next week will start out with someone taking something from me, making me angry or betraying me.  Another person will come and help me deal with that person, and make me happy again. He’ll keep me happy until he turns his back on me and betrays me too. But I will get over it quickly and get on with my life. His ‘mom’ is a wiccan, so she teaches him this stuff. It’s interesting. According to the cards, next week Scott is going to suffer, but like it, and then die 😛