sometimes your just too smart for your own good

Im still not entirely sure what he meant by that.

Maybe he was talking about people who think too much. People who analyze everything…pessimistic people who find something and pick it apart until all thats left are the bad things.

Daniel analyzes everything. I know that for a fact. With him though, he doesn’t take an issue and find everything wrong with it like I do. That’s why I admire him so much. Lately ive tried to stop analyzing things because I found out the more I stop thinking, the happier I am. I try to think as least as I possibly can. I don’t mean make myself stupid, no. I just needed to stop trying to figure out the meaning of things, stop asking why. Because when I did, the answer always ended up to be something bad. Ive learned to just accept things the way they are, no questions asked.

Daniel is unlike any person I know. Ive always seen him to be a strong, (very) intelligent, funny guy with no care in the world. I thought he had it all figured out. That’s why I was so shocked by what he said today after school.

Apparently a friend of his, Nick, had tried to kill himself last night. Jonathan had come into the drivers ed class yesterday afternoon, and told Daniel that he thought Nick was gonna commit suicide. Today Jonathan came in the morning, and said Nick wasn’t gonna be at school for a little while. He’s having mental issues, Jonathan said, refusing to say more. Then he left, and Daniel and I were left to contemplate whether or not Nick had actually done anything.

By the end of the day, Daniel didn’t know much more than what Jonathan had said. Before we left the bus, our little corner of people starting talking about how much we think about things, and that led to what Jonathan had said earlier in the day, "Nick is just too smart for his own good".

After we had gotten off the bus, we we’re now on the topic of thinking, and Nick, and death, and depressing things. Daniel mumbles some crap about how he had been thinking about it all day, and Scott told him something like "Yea, I don’t think about stuff like that. I just ignore it." And Daniel, shockingly, replies with "Well it’s hard…being an Aethiest and all…"

Scott was clueless. But this shocked me, because for once, I understood exactly what he was saying. EXACTLY. Aethiests don’t believe in God, and therefore don’t believe in heaven. I remember when my grandpa died — the first death I ever had to deal with — and the thing that comforted me was that I knew he’d go to heaven, and I was convinced I’d see him again. (Of course, later in life, my beliefs took a different turn)

Daniel has no consolation. He has no comfort in knowing that Nick’s gonna "go off into a better place". So I’m sure it must’ve been hard for him. And then what he said next shocked me greatly too, because I alone knew exactly what he was trying to explain, trying to tell us. I know that horrible, horrible feeling. God…I hated hearing him telling me this, because I know how it is…

He said he had been sitting in english, and they had to re-read The Bet. Its a short story about a young man who bet a rich, older man 2 million dollars that he could stay in solitary confinement for 15 years. The older man thought the younger was crazy, because he was going to waste away his youth sitting in a garden shed. Daniel came to part at the end where the older man had realized how stupid their bet had been, and began feeling guilty, because the younger man, who was now old as well, would never get to become a lawyer. He’d never get to have kids and get married. He’d never get to do all these things he dreamed of doing.

Daniel said after he read that part, he began to think of Nick. And he stopped talking there, mumbling something about "all the things nick would never get to do"…. how his life wouldve been wasted if he hadn’t escaped death by a thread. Daniel spent the next 40 minutes in class just sitting, thinking about it. He said it was pissing him off, the teacher making him read that…

That reminded me so, so much of the time when Johnny tried to kill himself last year. I was sitting english (whats up with always being in english?) and the counsler came in to talk to us about suicide. I wanted to strangle her so badly. I wanted her to just shut up. The night before I had gotten the news, and I was still in shock. It made me feel horrible, thinking about all the things Johnny would never get to do if he had succeeded. Words can’t express how terrible I felt when he really did die a few months later…

But the point is, I knew exactly what Daniel was going through. I wanted so badly to somehow tell him this, but I couldn’t. And it hurt. Seeing him this way, hearing what he was saying, and knowing I couldn’t help him…Oh how many times have a I felt that way….

I dont know Nick personally. I’ve just heard people talk about him from time to time. If I’m not mistaken I went to elementary school with him too…yes, I did. And I had one of those "crushes" on him when I was in 3rd grade as a matter of fact. (I found my old diary thing from when I was that young the other day)

Wow. Even at a young age I had a thing for attracting psychotic people -.- (Pat’s the first that hasn’t had any serious issues…)