No one gives a shit as long as we smile…

I feel horrible right now. Im not sick anymore…I just feel…empty again. Too empty.

Maybe its because I haven’t talked to Frank in forever. About 2 weeks. And before that, when I would talk to him, it seemed like he didnt want me there.

This past year or so, just knowing he was there for me was enough to keep me sane and happy. If something went wrong, as soon as he said Hi to me, id be smiling, and everything would be better. And now that he’s slipping away, I feel like im walking on the edge of a cliff. Sure im doing fine now, but one fall, and Im dead.

Thats seriously what it feels like, this sick, strange emptyiness.

I can deal with everyone else abandoning me, Brittany, Amanda, Anna…but not Frank. I can’t survive without Frank.

God…just thinking about life without him…it makes me wanna cry…If he goes away, Ill have no one. Ill be alone again. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I always feel like everyone hates me, like everyone wants me to go away. Even though I know its not true in some cases, I still feel that way.

Thats why I like Pat, because he makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel like Im actually worth something. He tells me I make him happy. He told me that before me, his life was hell and he hated everything. Its a bit sad to hear him say things like that…..things like he wonders why he’s still here and stuff…But he knows im here for him. Maybe one day he’ll know just how well I understand him. Because right now, he knows nothing about the real me.

He knows nothing about the depressing, cold hearted person underneath all this fake happiness. No one does. Except for Frank. And im fine with that. As long as I pretend to smile, everything will be fine…at least I hope so