drawing death

god i hate summer, its so boring. and i just noticed i have paint all over my jeans

the weird thing is its blue paint..and i havent even used blue paint today. ive been painting alot lately, its fun, and theres nothing better to do. i usually just sit in my room and draw for hours at a time. im gonna need another new sketchbook soon…and speaking of sketchbooks, 2 of my full ones have gone missing. i could not find them anywhere. i REALLY hope no one found them. that would be very VERY bad!

i even spent an hour cleaning out my closet looking for them, because i usually put them in there underneath all the junk. im hoping i hid them somewhere else, and that it was such a good hiding place that even I cant remember where they are. I dont have any bad things in them…theres just stuff in there that i dont want other people to see.

but im pretty sure my mom didnt find them. because if she did, i’d be in a mental hospital right now. and speaking of mental hospitals, i FINALLY found out why ellen went to a shrink. i dont know if she still goes to one, but ive always wondered why she used to.  i didnt ask her or anything, she just randomly said it. she was talking about something (i wasnt really paying attention to her) and then she said "i wrote a note saying i was going to kill myself because in middle school everyone made fun of me". im assuming that was the reason why. i asked her if she really meant it, and she said she didnt know. then i told her its good thing she didnt, because ive known too many people that have killed themselves….

i remember when stephen did it…i was in 7th grade. while searching for my journal in my closet today, I found alot of my old schoolwork. I found a book of poems I had to write in 7th grade, and one of them was for him. I dont remember if i wrote it before or after he died.

Before I go,

I just wanna say,

I will never forget

You on that day,

When you came to my house,

Needing a friend,

Needing some paper

and a pencil or pen,

to write to your dad

who you hated so bad,

but you wanted to write, and tell him you loved him.

You dont have to go,

People forgive.

Even if he wont,

What about me, Anna, and Zid?

So tell me to leave,

Kick me right out the door,

I just dont want you to have any pain anymore.

I will leave now,

its all up to you,

Listen to my voice,

I’ll help you get through,

But no matter what happens,

Please remember this now

There is always a way,

No matter who what or how.

 

I know its not very good, but hey, i was what…11, 12 years old? whatdya expect? some of it dont make sense either….but oh well. and i remember zid…he was stephens best friend. i dont remember why we called him zid though