R. I. P Johnny….

hes gone. i cannot fucken believe he’s gone!!! WHY IS HE SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!??????  WHY THE HELL DID HE DO THAT!???????? AFTER HE SAW HOW SCARED EVERYONE WAS, he saw how much everyone loved him, and he saw how sad and horrified people were, but he did it anyway!!

I cant believe it…i dont want to believe it. he’s dead..hes DEAD. no more johnny. no more hearing him laugh, no more late night conversations, no more anything.

why the fuck did he do that..? he had so much to live for…he was 17, 17! You only get one life, and he went and fucked his up. How could he do this??? to me?? to everyone??? last month when he tried to kill himself, he saw how shocked everyone was, he KNEW we all loved him, he realized how much we’d all miss him, but fucken went and did it again, and suceeded this time

WHY????????????????????????????? This isnt fair! this isnt fucking fair!! why does everyone I care about die? why do they all want to die? do i just have some kinda curse that makes the few people i actually care about turn psycho?

I just hope he finds peace..wherever he’s going…i hope ill be able to see him again one day, when im dead. because i know everyone dies, everyone has a time to die, but last night wasnt his time. his time wasnt up yet. he still had a life ahead of him…and he ruined it.

i dont believe in quitting. i dont believe in giving up. i believe when theres nothing left to lose, the only thing you can do is keep moving forward. keep trying. thats why i wouldnt kill myself last year. thats why i tried, but i didnt seriously try hard enough, because a part of me was still telling me to hold on, apart of me was still saying to keep going, because eventually ill turn 18, and ill move away, far far away, and ill have a new life, one where ill actually be able to have a chance to live.

johnny had one more year left, just ONE MORE YEAR of high school. if only he wouldve held on, he’d have a new life, and a new chance too.

His funeral is on Monday. I dont know if i want to go. I dont think ill be able to stand it..seeing him, not moving, not laughing…dead. ive been to funerals before, and ive never cried. but this time i dont think ill be able to hold it in. i dont want to be there alone…

the last day of school was ruined for me. it made me want to almost scream, seeing everyone jumping around and happy, while i sat and watched, thinking about Johnny, about if only i had said something else…something to make him see life is worth living, something, ANYTHING at all.

but it doesnt matter now, hes dead, and theres nothing i can do about it.

R.I.P John Eric Walter

Jan 18 1988 — May 26 2005

I’ll never forget you…

"When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up"