suicide is an evil thing….

my brain hurts

ive been doing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much thinking today. and i almost cried in 8th period today, which was really weird, but i forced myself not to. i never EVER give even a hint of wanting to cry while im in public. i rarely even cry at home in front of my family. and the only time i cry in front of them is when my brothers are being real asses and my mom wont do anything about it and i get so frusterated — well, thats another story.

so anyway..i almost cried in 8th period because the counsler had came in there to talk to us. at first i thought it was going to be a stupid thing about college and crap, but i was dead wrong. she came in there to talk to us about suicide.

I guess you can call it a coincidence. All i know is after the past few days the last thing i want to do is hear about how we “have to tell responsible adults if someone we know is suicidal” or “if you dont tell someone and your friend kills themselves, youll feel guilty about it for the rest of your life” and “you dont want that on your consience till the day you die”

the whole time she was giving us this lecture, i was sitting there thinking “shut the fuck up shut the fuck up shut the fuck up!!!!!!” becuase FUCK HER ive got got about 4 or 5 of my friends who are coming to ME for help right now, and its really pissing me off and making me angry because i cant help them or do anything about it, and i know if they do anything to themsevles, that ill blame myself because thats exactly what happened with stephen!!! and these last 2 years ive been trying to forget about stephen, and forget everything that happened, because to this day im STILL blaming myself for stephens suicide, and i STILL wish i could go back and change it all!

and i know that if trey and johnny had succeeded i would NEVER forgive myself, because it seems like anyone who was ever fucken close to me has either died, tried to die, or seriously wants to.

SO, i do NOT want some stupid cousnelor coming in there and talking to the class about this crap and reminding me of it all!!!!!!