shadows

I wanted to write a long entry, and I was motivated, but now I don’t know where that motivation has gone.

So I’ll be brief.

I’m not doing so hot. LIfe is basically meaningless and it’s hard to get up each day.

Wow, that sounded shallow.

Honestly though,  I’m finding every hour hard to get through at the moment. Waking up knowing you have 15 odd hours to plough through with many food obstacles presented to you (and overwhelming loneliness) is not something attractive to look forward to.

I love my teaching, but somehow the greyness and "dead feeling" in my life overshadows everything.

I seem to have moved into a new phase of this ED cycle (again). Bingeing every second day. i.e every other day. Not stacks of food, but enough. Probably like eating all 3 meals (breakfast lunch and dinner) combined, in terms of a normal person’s food.

This is freaking me out.

I feel powerless. Honestly. I have no control over any part of this disorder. I try to lose weight and I can’t. Then I don’t even try. and it just happens. I don’t want to eat, and then I feel compelled. Or I WANT to eat and try, but I can’t.

Nothing I do seems to matter. Or make an impact.

Supplement drinks aren’t happening. I keep making them, taking sips and then storing them in the fridge. They sit there for days. I end up having to throw them out.

I saw my psychiatrist today. He looked at me, and said I need help. I could hardly look him in the eye. I sat there saying over and over that I’m tired of everything and I don’t know where to turn. I can’t imagine where I"m meant to go from here because I don’t want weight gain, yet I don’t want this hell, and I can’t see any direction that I could head in that doesn’t scare me beyond belief.

 He said he wanted to admit me to hospital again. He tried to make a phonecall my admitting psychiatrist from the hospital that I went to in February. He’s trying to arrange admission for the school vacation. I’m not thrilled with going back to that hospital because I know it wasn’t strict enough. I told him I fucked around with naso, and that I’d need to be watched and enforced. I told him I don’t think I could have enough courage to tell them this on my own – which is why I was telling him.

The public hospital outpatients phoned me today to arrange an appointment with them for 3pm next Wednesday. Dr Kara arranged this (my general medicine doctor). They told me on the phone they can’t offer long term treatment. I said yes okay, of course. I have dealt with them 3 years ago during my first "I’ve fucked around with food long enough to now have a monstrous problem = ED-NOS". Anyway, I felt like saying, well if I’m collapsing in your rooms with a deathly low weight I think you’re going to have to admit me (they only have 5 beds for adult eating disorder patients But don’t seem keen on giving them out to anybody.)

Anyway…I feel too fat for any of this. I’m not fucking kidding. It’s almost making me mad. I see thin people wherever I walk and I don’t see any doctor trying to arrange hospital admission for THEM.

I am tired of wasting people’s time. I wish I could get better but I feel like I deserve to suffer this out like anyone else who has any problem. I’m not a dangerous low weight, I’m not super, super skinny, so I don’t warrant any concern.

My psychiatrist prescribed me a new anti-depressant because I told him I’m too afraid to continue to take Prozac . I stopped taking it 3 weeks after I started because I once or twice binged (and I associated the bingeing with the prozac – and now can’t get the association out of my head). Anyway he prescribed me Aropax (Paxil). I read a few reports. Of course one of these reports said weight gain.

Soooo……

Maybe I’ll take it for a week and hope I just get "sick and dizzy" side effects so that I am too unwell to eat or even think of bingeing. Bingeing leads one to take desperate measures against it. You know, I once drank dishwashing liquid in an effort to direct my brain away from bingeing. Needless to say, that was a bad time.

I hate bingeing.

I don’t think I can do the required actions to make myself happy though. Taking a pill that might improve my mood and happiness …….I just don’t know if I can "help" and "take care of myself" like that. It’s not really about feeling I don’t deserve it, either. It’s just that I don’t think I should be doing it. It seems wrong.

I need to paint. But I’ve been saying that for far too long now.

Well whaddya know. I wrote a mostly longish, detailed entry. Bravo.