Pass the Control, please

No, I don’t throw up. But hey, that doesn’t stop me attempting to do so (again) by wretching over the toilet bowl.

Yes, I ate food. And no, it wasn’t only a little amount.

Of course this means I can’t go to either of my doctor appointments this week.

 Why? I’m too fat of course. I ate food, I became disgusting and vile, and I can’t set foot in any waiting room for any treatment for anorexia. Because I’m way too fat, now.

I’m a fat anorexic (again).

************************************

Conversation between Elizabeth and ED, earlier today.

Elizabeth: I don’t really want to eat chocolate cookies for breakfast.

ED: Too bad, I think you’ll feel better if you have them, and heck EVERYONE is telling you that you need to put energy and calories in your body so go ahead.

Elizabeth: Okay.

(eats cookies)

Elizabeth: I don’t feel any better.

ED: Okay, well then have 5 pieces of toast with half a block of cheese.

Elizabeth: Are you kidding?

ED: Of course not. Don’t you trust me?

Elizabeth (thinking): not really, no.

ED: Just do it.

Elizabeth: Okay. (maybe it will make me feel better).

(Eats bread and cheese.)

Elizabeth: I don’t feel so good.

ED: Well don’t blame me.

Elizabeth: I’m not. I’m just saying how I feel!

ED: Well you seem wayward to me. I think you need to get a hold of yourself. Go and watch some TV and make plans for exercise. Just get out of the kitchen if you feel tempted.

Elizabeth: Okay.

*******

Elizabeth: Pass the control, please.

ED: You must be joking. The control belongs to me.

Elizabeth: That’s why I have you! With you I have control. But lately you seem to be jerking me around.

ED: You choose your own actions, don’t blame me. I offer you the control but then you blame me for not giving it to you.

Elizabeth: You don’t give me control! You give me false promises.

ED: That’s bullshit. You know if you just behaved and abstained from eating and the absolute digusting gluttony you are partaking in, you would have the perfect control. I have shown you that.

Elizabeth: I’m confused. All I know is I feel like absolute shit, physically and emotionally, and listening to you all day hasn’t helped.

ED: Well that’s your own fault. You’re weak. You ate food.

Elizabeth: You told me to!

ED: Hmm, well you didn’t have to do it. And I just offered some ideas, I never told you to be such a disgusting pig.

Elizabeth: Leave me alone.

ED: Wihout me you are so much less of anything desirable- , you know you need me.

Elizabeth: Yes I know.

ED: I think you’ll feel a bit better if you ate some of that chocolate (and I know you’ll eat the whole block). Go on, then after all this you can purify again.

Elizabeth: Okay.

Elizabeth: I feel absolutely horrible now. And so wasted, sleep wise. I wish I didn’t have to take sleeping tablets everynight.

ED: So get yourself together, and we’ll find the path again. I’ll give you another chance.

Elizabeth: I feel so sick

ED: I know. YOu need to do better next time. Or you WILL become fat. Eating like you did today.

Elizabeth:I just want to feel okay. And not like I’m spinning out of control. With so much disgust and loneliness inside of me.