Feeling Sick, dizzy and wasted.

Well today has been horrible.

I don’t feel okay. At all.

I am just trying to ride it out. I want it to be O-V-E-R.

For some reason I binged. And binged and binged and binged. Truly. Actually I know why I think. It’s because yesterday at school (my only day of teaching this week / I usually only teach Mondays) I was so busy I didn’t have time to eat. And I forgot to take my supplement drinks to school with me . No supplement drinks means my body gets way out of whack. Unbalanced. And starved. And then wants to swing the other way.

And last night I wanted sleep. So I took TWO sleeping tablets.

This morning, I feel wasted. Dizzy. Not right. Just lethargic and horrible. I mistakenly think eating something might help.

So I eat. Then it doesn’t help, so I think I’ll eat a bit more as that might help my dizzy feeling. I just naturally think I feel like shit because I’ve been depriving my body of food. Then it turns into a binge. Ugh. Nothing worse than binging and NOT being able to throw up. My poor stomach doesn’t know what hit it. When I binge I ALWAYS keep all the food inside. I’m about 2 bowls of food away from rupturing my stomach I think. This is just heavenly (not). I feel horrible. If I eat anymore I will probably throw up WITHOUT wanting too.

I just want the time to pass. I feel like passing out. I want the night to be over. I want to be asleep. I want to be able to have coffee again (I can’t enjoy coffee EVER on a full stomach. Only empty stomach. I miiiiissss my coffee!).

I want my stomach to be EMPTY again.

I’m not freaking out about calories or anything. I’ve binged enough times to know it’s not going to make an overall LASTING effect on my weight. It will for a day or 2 and then when I get back into my normal restrictive pattern of eating, I’ll balance back at the same weight I’ve been for ages now. It’s no big deal. I just feel bloated and horribe and want this to be over quickly. Because I feel like shit. And disgusting. And fat. And I want that feeling to GO AWAY.

I need to be empty and light and faint and lost.

Not bingeing, and dizzy, and bloated and full, and feeling disgusting.

School yesterday was really good. Maybe one day soon I’ll write about it.