FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT ***update

So my blood test results are FINE. A-okay. TOTALLY FUCKING NORMAL.

I didn’t have the guts to tell her about my other ECG (which was also NORMAL) except for the printout notes on it, (naming irregularities)  that no-one else seemed to think was worthy of mentioning.

So obviously everything is IN MY FUCKING head. Daily chest pain, and today I felt faint for the first time in ages.

That time of month has meant I’m craving breads. Always happens.

And today I binged. First time in a long time.

I can’t tell you the disgust and terror I feel.

I saw my doctor (general practice one – the lady, the new one, – her name is Kara) BEFORE this happened. She told me she thought I might not be able to last the next 4 weeks before the school vacation without intervention.

She suggested I might need an admission sooner rather than later. Given my current degeneration. She said if my eating continues the way it has been (carrot, rice cake, coffee) then my bloodwork will take a turn for the worse. I contested this and said I’m wasting space with an admission as there is nothing in my test results that show a problem. So until there is, I can’t warrant an admission.

She’s going to call my psychiatrist on Monday, and the hospital ED unit (the public one) to ask suggestions on treatment and management. I said I’m okay with her talking to my psychiatrist and whoever (medical professionals).

Damien is trying so hard to be helpful and wants to work with me (and get my committment) to do dinners together every night, even if I only eat a salad. I said yes but no guarantees on what I eat. He took that as me being pessimistic. I took it as me being REALISTIC.

Meanwhile I just want to take 3-4 sleeping tablets tonight and not wake up tomorrow.

I want to not eat at all for 3 days. I HATE that I ate.

This war is in full swing and I don’t see myself winning.

I think I need to tell the principal at school I’m not well, and the nature of this. He is guessing at the moment, as I’ve already had one day off work and told him I have "health issues". Meanwhile the warm weather is heating up which means summer clothes and more revelation of how skinny I am to the students. I am not fond of this happening. Some of the less subtle students comment on how thin I am regularly. .

I don’t want to lose out on teaching them for the next 4 weeks. But I don’t see how i can beat this on my own without an admission.

I just don’t want to eat.

I am so lost. And I hate that I’m so sick. I realise I’m sick. I don’t know HOW FOR THE LIFE OF ME, things got this bad.

But hey, my bloodwork and ECG is fine. So I’m just a whinging fat gluttonous girl.

Did I mention how gluttonous and disgusting I am? I am still FAT. STILL. And I abhor it. There is no fucking way anyone is going to make me even fatter again. Heck, I just bagged all the clothes from my wardrobe. I could maybe gain 3 kgs (not by eating though, – I can only see myself doing it on the naso-gastric tube), but anything more than that,

NO FUCKING WAY.

***********Update Saturday August 26 9.30am.

So home naso, I find out, is possible? Okay, this opens new possibilities. I have been thinking of doing diluted supplement drinks, like having a large bottle and sipping on it throughout the day. I’d calculate how much I had to have to equal weight gain nutritional adequacy, and then make my intake comparable to naso. With the tube I was getting 100ml an hour, and the only way to do that with oral intake is to dilute the 100ml into a 500ml portion (I’d say that’s reasonable) and make sure I sip the entire amount in 1 hour, EVERY hour for 6-7 hours.. If I spread the required amount (1 Litre in total is what I was getting overnight in hospital) over the course of a day, and still tried to have some solid REAL food intake, I might manage to stay out of hospital and be able to complete the teaching term (which I’d dearly love to do).

Doing it as oral intake also means I would probably save shitloads of money on the tube feeding equipment, and as it is, I’m already trying to work out the most economical way to buy the supplements I’d need. I guess it would be cheaper to buy it in the powder form and make it up myself (that way I don’t :

1) Become instantly bankrupt from buying tetrapak ready-made drink supplements

2) Keel over from trying to haul huge masses of supplement drinks in a bulk purchase

Ideally I’d like to buy one that is fibre supplemented (I think Ensure Essentials is), otherwise there are powdered form fibre supplements you can add to any drink.

I’ll still try to have a nightly salad with Damien.

Okay….Elizabeth …BREATHE. You COULD do this. At the moment it’s all an idea in theory.

Can I really prove that I can manage this idea? I would find it easier if it was diluted. The reason I couldn’t do the Fortisip (supplement drinks) in hospital is because you had to drink an entire 200ml pack portion in 10 minutes! Mind flip GOD NO FUCKING WAY. I did it once and almost lost the plot.

Okay. I am going to the chemist today to check out options.

Will let you know.

(Can’t you see I"m still trying???)