A nice day

So today my body is feeling the strain of starvation. I can’t explain it. Like an ache, or slight tremors. I think my heart hurts.

My ED tells me this is as it should be.

My rational brain is having trouble fighting to even be awake, due to no energy or glucose.

The community health centre tells me they have no help available in terms of counselling from the Mental Health Department, but upon further investigation, I find that another department within their walls (the Adult Health Service) DOES have counselling available (too bad 2 departments within the one public health service – and building – don’t know enough of eachothers services to even give advice or recommend eachother). The Adult Health service have Social Workers available to give stress/anxiety/depression counselling to people who suffer from an illness or difficult situation. They will send me a letter and offer some ongoing appointments within 1 month.

Last night I had a victory with Damien. Intimacy after about 8 months of none. This is no small feat. We both felt calm and natural and no doubt have made major steps forward.

I seem to have relatively no trouble (still some trouble) drinking an instant sachet of coffee of 75 calories, but STILL can’t manage to have a "light" can of tuna worth the same calorie intake (75 cal). This upsets me. I have put the tuna on the counter and am staring at it every time I enter the kitchen (for more coffee).

I am teaching grade 6,7 tomorrow for the whole day, as a stand in for the principal. He has said I can do whatever I like with them. We will spend some extra time on our art projects, and have fun the rest of the day with learning activities that I’ll make into games. I know I need some sustenance in preparation for tomorrow or it’s possible I could not make it through the day without falling ill / fainting / collapsing.

I am presently marking some of my students’ Impressionism painting assignments. There are about 4-5 from the class who have done a marvellous job and show some real talent. I shall post some (more) pictures soon (technically I should get their permission, but I don’t want them knowing I have a diary here).

Today is a public holiday in my state and Sofie, Damien, and I have spent some real quality time together. She and her father have rebuilt and repainted her bike, and I have taken her to the skate park, and we have all walked through town (our main street on which we live) and bought some products we needed. This inlcuded a visit to the town lolly (candy) shop where they have jars of many different sweets for 5c each, just like years ago (have I mentioned I love living in a small town?), and I have written some letters to my students (I implemented a class mailbox), and have enjoyed preparing for tomorrow. We also sat in the clover patch in our backyard with the dogs. Here is Anna….plush…

Meanwhile I feel so weak. My BMI is now 15.7, and I am as stubborn as hell.

I really need to stop this. I will.

Soon.