Sabotage
Where did this appetite come from?
I feel awake. Alive. And somehow normal.
And I don’t fucking like it.
I am still eating. For some reason I’ve started to eat again.
And it’s frightening.
Is this what the antidepressants have done??
Woken me up.?
They’ve made me happier. And happier means usually I can eat more.
But I swear I don’t want to eat more.
I don’t want to eat even halfway normal.
If this is what they have done, I swear I’m going to fucking stop taking them.
I can’t be somebody who eats.
Who has flab. And indulgence and gluttony.
I won’t.
I won’t.
I won’t.
There is no way to win this.
Depression = anorexia = pain = wanting death. Happiness = eating = gaining weight = self-disgust = hatred = life of torture.
If I self-sabotage I can’t expect anyone to care. If I stop taking these pills how could I expect anything but dismissal from everyone else.
She doesn’t want help.
She wants to be unhappy.
Yeah well fuck me.
I guess I do.
*hugs*
Warning Comment
no you don’t; you’re just too scared too scared. and that’s perfectly understandable. normality is a terrifying thing if it’s alien to you.
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Perhaps you dont want to get better because when you are sick you think it means those around you will stay. That the only reason they are there is because they need to look after you. That is SO WRONG and the complete opposite. When ppl are putting so much effort and consuming themselves with your problems, they feel that it is thrown in their face when you deliberately say “I dont want to be…
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happy.” So, soon, I would not be surprised if they all give up. Simply because, you need to not only make the effort, but WANT to. You would be surrounded by many more ppl and have alot less problems in relationships if you did want to be happy and ppl would be less inclined to leave. Your aim in doing this to keep ppl close is infact doing the exact opposite. I am guessing D feels unimportant…
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to you because you dont even have the desire to get better. How does that make him feel? Like a useless twat is what he feels, and you don’t seem concerned by that? I do not know. Sure, there will be ups and downs, but without a will to get better, you are not only sabotaging yourself, but u are doing it at the expense of your partner AND a innocent 11 year old girl who can follow in your..
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footsteps. The choice is yours, but it not only affects you. There is a child to think about. You can make the choice, Sofie and D cannot, but the outcome affects them either way. Please think about this Eliz. You need help and so will Sofie if you don’t make the choice to get better. *hugs* Kel.
Warning Comment
You have a choice here Elizabeth. You can chose to give life a shot or you can chose to be sick, but you have to take responsibility for your choice. If ill-health, disorder and depression are what you chose for yourself then you have very little right to complain when it all goes wrong. I want you to chose life xox
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BTW – that last note wasn’t meant to sound as harsh as it did re-reading it. I was just trying to be honest with you (and make an impact) because I want you well again so badly. I’m glad you are feeling happier and I wish you would just take that leap (or baby-step) of faith and go for this recovery thing whole-heartedly. You deserve the chance to get better Elizabeth xox
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What’s worse, being depressed and in pain and wanting death or being happier and suffering from self-disgust and self-hatred? Seems like neither is great, but I have to vote for number two, because then at least you’re physically healthy and therefore much more likely to be able to deal with all those feelings and stand a chance of conquering them. I wish you could choose number two…
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