7/3/06

ryn: I decided not to do it. The hours are not scheduled, so finding babysitting is impossible. You need help Elizabeth. You need to salvage your relationship. Sofie NEEDS this. If you cannot do it for yourself, try and do it for her. Medicare can cover 5 sessions for a psychologist. Enlist support. Its hard, HARD! You will still be loved if you are not sick, and the people who love you,

will love the time they spend with you more. Happy times. Enjoying company. People wont leave if you are better.But more importantly, when you are better, that doesnt matter, because you will have the strength to stand on your own. Standing on your own is a wonderful feeling. You can trust yourself and learn to love yourself. Ultimately, it is your choice.

You’re angry at the world. It’s in your voice. In the tone of your words. You’re angry at yourself. At the road you’ve taken to reach this place. You’re angry at everyone for having expectations for you. You’re angry that you don’t think you are living up to expectations. And although I am sorry to see how angry you are, at the same time it makes me a little relieved.

If you are feeling anger…it means you are feeling something…something different from this deadness that has been sifting through every page of your diary. Anger is something. Now turn that anger into something constructive. Change. If not for yourself…then for those you love and who loves you. You wonder why people leave you. But I think you push them away. You grow distant. Tired.

When you left Daniel…you said you wanted to experience life. You wanted to date. You wanted to kiss other men. You wanted to feel alive. And then you met Damien. And it seemed he changed your world. You felt alive. Beloved. Protected. Sheltered. Happy. You found a family. Things seem so good for all of you. And now you’re back to the same place you were with Daniel. You are capable of happiness.

What I don’t understand is why you abandon it. When things seem good, it almost seems as if you are waiting to fall. For depression to come. For the fight against yourself. For control of food. For the crazy amount of exercise. You have happiness and yet you shun it. Why? Pushing it away with the thing that seems to break your relationships. The disease. But why? And how can you

allow yourself to do this all over again? How can you walk, with your eyes wide open, onto the same paths you walked before? Why?! Sometimes when I see you in these pits of despair I want to scream at the computer. I want to put my hands through the screen and reach out to you. I want to shake you. To slap your face. To wake you up. Are you asleep? Are you dreaming this nightmare? Why?

Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you letting yourself fall again? Is there really no hope? No avenue of help that you can’t seek? Damien must see that you are spiralling out of control and he feels helpless…as Daniel was. I imagine he wonders where the Elizabeth he loves has gone. Where was the woman he fell in love with? How can she be present at one moment and then gone?

Wake up. You have so much to live for. So much to see. So much to do. A little girl to inspire each day. Classes full of kids just waiting to be taught by you. A partner who loves you. Don’t throw it away. Not with hate for yourself. You don’t deserve hate. Very few do. But you need to start feeling something other than despair or self-loathing. Find it in yourself to seek light every day. LC

The noter above said everything I want to say and more. You have so much to give to the world and all the people you come across in your life. But they must feel so helpless when you get to this stage. I know you must be so tired of trying but get help, please. Get it anywhere you can. This world needs you around.