Weary

It is not a good time.

I’m feeling very alone, having lost so many friends lately. And my relationship is falling apart. I feel like I don’t fit or belong anywhere. And that I can’t trust anyone not to leave anymore.

I am depressed. Going to bed every night around 7.30pm or 8pm, just because I can’t handle being awake any longer.

Only good thing right now is Sofie. Bless her. She is keeping me sane and functioning. Although she’s just flown inter-state to be with her Mum for 10 days. It’s school  vacation you see.

I am seeing a dietician this week. Don’t know if it will help. Also seeing my psychiatrist again on Monday. Will be 2 weeks since starting Prozac.

My eating has reduced to a few bites here and there throughout the day. I never thought it would get this bad. But I hate eating, and having an appetitie and when I am "succeeding" in not feeling hungry I don’t want to disturb the situation. I suppose I’m stubborn but I feel it’s the only thing I have.

I decided the other day that I don’t want to live anymore. And I want anorexia as suicide. Lovely eh. Yeah, well, I am so weary of this life.

I’m listening to Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush’s song, "Don’t Give up". Hmm.

I got a teaching contract. At the little school I’ve been volunteering at. They have only 3 classrooms and have mixed grades because of small numbers. I am officially a primary school art teacher, teaching singing, visual arts and drama every Monday. And I also have an additional contract of 3 weeks part-time filling in for all 3 classes (P-1/2, 3,4,5, 6,7) two or three days a week when their normal teacher has meetings or planning time. I’m excited about the teaching art, although I’ve been SO busy preparing a unit of work I’m exhausted (and still not nearly ready). The principal gave me free reign to teach pretty much what and HOW I wanted. He just wanted the kids stimulated and engaged – my kind of Principal. So that starts in 2 weeks.

Will I still be this depressed then…..?

Will I have lost even more weight….?

 I weigh less now than when I was admitted to hospital. I am cold constantly. I want winter to be over.

I feel like soon I need naso again. Sigh. But I hate naso.

How can I learn to eat again? I don’t know.

I’m so defeated.