Time line of memories

I am trying to write down key things from each month of the year, for every year, so that I can have some memory of my life. If I don’t, everything seems such a blur, I really only am able to remember basic things from over the years. Many times I forget everything, and struggle in actually remembering who I am. I hate it.

 I have memory problems, I swear. Anyway, so flicking back through Open Diary has helped me pick up a few things to write down under the heading of each month of the past year. As I’ve skimmed through my diary, watching how much I cycle and spiral thorugh depression and the same old behaviours, and so much confusion, contempt, disgust, anguish, has literally been depressing.

One thing, I think I realise now.

I have an eating problem, that is quite ingrained. Sigh. I think I have an eating disorder.

So that is  the pearl of wisdom for the day.

My eating is such shit at the moment. Only eating chocolate and crackers. If I’m lucky, a bowl of soup or an apple every second day. Too scared to eat anything else. I am succeeding in maintaining my weight (I think), and the main benefit from all of this is I never feel hungry, my appetite is suppressed, and I never feel full or bloated. That’s what scares me the most (fullness and bloatedness). Rampant appetite, wanting and insatiable. I feel like a monster when I’m like that. I feel like a werewolf, in a way. Uncontrollable. Appetite scares me so much.

One of the 15-yr-old girls I was in hospital with (who had been there 4 months, and had got her parents to discharge her a few weeks ago) is being re-admitted. This illness fucking upsets me. She won’t be going back to school for a quite a while. This will be her 3rd admission. She has something like 10kg (22 pounds) to gain. When she was first admitted she had 18kg or like 40lbs to gain.

She doesn’t deserve this. Nobody does.

I Need to paint my next picture.

I also need to write in here about my trip to Tasmania.

I have lost 2 friends in the last few weeks. Not sure if I have many left at all now. I always have trouble trying to remember who my friends are.

My dream and goal for the moment is to completely obliterate my credit card debt and get a Visa Debit Card. They sound like heaven. All the features of a Visa card, but it’s only your savings from your own account. No credit at all. I am trying to work hard to get this happening.

I just got a referral to tutor a new child. Grade 1. A boy. Problems with alphabet  – linking letters to sounds.

I need to go back to a GP to see how my bloodwork is. Ahd I’ve booked in to see my old psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. Damien and I have our first relationship counselling session, next Tuesday.

I wonder if my life will fall apart. It has a history of it. I feel like I barely ever get to enjoy it or breathe easy. Everything is such a struggle just to manage and survive…. and get through each day.

And I’m such a complainer. Woe is me.

Well fuck me.