Day Leave

Well I got granted day leave from the clinic today. Because I gained 1.4kg in one week (1kg gain per week is the minimum requirement). I have been 3 weeks inpatient now. I really don’t know how I feel about any of it. It is all so hard. I have made mental gains, but I’ve also back-tracked.

I have been anxious and overwhelmed (and breaking down in tears – like at the breakfast table this morning – before I left) about going home. Home is a major stressor for me. But I haven’t been home in 2 weeks so I knew it was important. Not only do I miss meal(s) by coming home (miss the CLINIC meals, i mean), but there is all the familiar surrounds of home that normally stress me out.

So far it’s been sort of tolerable. I’ve cried most of the day. I have eaten chocolate. And that doesn’t sit well with me, knowing that I have the naso-gastric tube feeding tonight. Yeah, I’m on naso. In some ways it’s good – it stops the binges and just lets me concentrate on eating my normal breakfast, lunch and dinner goals. The tube feeding is overnight. But I DON’T WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT. I only want to be able to get my eating behaviours under control and eat mostly normal so I can participate in life properly and have it not dominate my existence. I don’t see how I HAVE TO GAIN WEIGHT to do that.

Sigh. I don’t know anything anymore. The therapy groups at the clinic are really good. I’m making substantial gains in stuff like self-esteem, changing my thinking, relationship enhancement, learning to live a balanced life-style etc. But the meals continue to be very hard, – I do gain inspiration from the other girls on the program who have to sit at the supervised meal table wih me. Some are so young, and have been there for months. I am 28 – and should be so over this.

Dee. She’s on the highest max overnight tube feeding, and won’t eat anything at meals. She duitfully lines up, gets her plate and meal, sits with us for the full 30min meal time, and eats NOTHING. She used to eat 2 forks of watermelon at every meal, but this has ceased now. She is only 15. I don’t want to be like her, and I never will be – I am too much of a glutton. Although my eating has decreased since the naso – less hungry. I dunno. There was more binging without the naso, and more disgust, self-harm and over-exercise. I wish I knew how to get out of this.

I do find the tube feeding soothing in a way. But then also scary, because of the calories and how it gives you an extended tummy. It is known to cause weight gain in the tummy and hip area – which distresses all the girls.

I feel so fat. I just want to be able to control my weight. Everything felt at least in control then. It’s horrible seeing the scale rise (we are weighed twice a week) and not be able to control it much. Ahtough they do say that in the first week of naso, you gain 1-2kg, -mostly fluid retention. So I am supposed to NOT be repulsed by this ‘weight’ gain. How can I not be?

I am now on daily blood tests because of the naso, and also that my calcium level is apprarently continuing to drop. I am on double supplements and they are testing each day to see my calcium level in my blood. I don’t know why it’s so low, but I feel mostly fine. Calcium’s not as important as potassium.

I don’t know what I’m doing.