I’m still here

Yeah well. It’s been a week, or more. Hmm. Things are certainly a bit different of late. I must have had like hundreds of  mental fights with the two opposing sides in my head, since I last wrote. I keep waxing and waning between seeing the "truth" as everyone else puts it, and the voice in my head that tells me I’m a big load of whingey whining who is parading around with the pretence of being sick, and needing help. Meh. Does it ever end?

One of my favs on here keeps telling me "the voice lies". And if I was giving advice and support to any other person suffering from and Eating Disorder I would say the same. The voice tells me there is no way I can have a problem if I still eat food, and I look as "big" as I do. But I am told these are lies, so I dunno. I try to ignore them. I feel indulgent for ignoring them because I think it makes me selfish in claiming to be sick, and round and round it goes. It gets into one big mental mess, and I’ve just left feeling exhausted.

But I guess the evidence is there. I am finding myself doing things that don’t seem normal or healthy. I am repeatedly sleeping out of bed, on hardwood floors with no pillow, as "punishment" for when I feel I’ve eaten too much. I am exercising manically, to the point of dizziness. I won’t let Damien touch me or rub my shoulders and especially not stomach area etc, if I’ve eaten and can feel food in my stomach. Because it makes me feel disgusting and guilty for having eaten. My rational mind tells me these are not such healthy behaviours for me to be expressing. But when I look in the mirror I see a girl with lots of flesh and "healthy" tone and muscle. So I can’t possibly be sick. What an attention seeking girl for claiming you have a problem! Meh, the voice lies. Ugh.

So I am dealing with a lot at the moment. I made the plunge and booked an appt with one of the psychiatrists who has admitting priveledges to the private ED hospital clinic in Brisbane. The only one my state has. I have insurance so I am able to go, financially, should I be accepted. I am petrifed of them laughing at me and telling me I don’t have a problem, or am not sick enough to go. Do you know how hard it has been to even get this far in admitting I need help and contemplating IP? They’re going to make me put on weight, you know, and I am terrified. Yet I know that if I am to get well, I NEED to do it. It’s a lot of admit to, and to venture out there to say I’ll do. So if they tell me I don’t need to go, I don’t know what I’ll do. I know I"m not coping on my own anymore. And the people (family and friends) around me are tired of dealing with this illness and not knowing how to help. I feel like I need the structure of IP. I don’t know how to make changes on my own. Without the support I don’t think I can do it.

So tomorrow. At 12.30pm I have the assessment / screening appt. The psychiatrist will decide if he thinks I need IP at the clinic, or should do the day program (only 3 days per week, and travel will be a problem), or maybe even just do outpatient (counselling only – I don’t see how this will help that much). If he considers I need IP then it will probably be about 2 weeks before I get admitted. That’s what they tell me. I had a tour of the clinic the other day and they were very nice. There are only 10 girls on the program and each have their own single private room (some have shared ensuite). The clinic is a very nice environment and you get a lot of one-on-one personalised support including your own specific meal plan, and assistance while eating and after eating. I started crying in the head nurses office as she was going through all the specifics of the food with me. She said, "I can see this is stressful for you just to think about it…." – well yeah, I do have an Eating Disorder after all. There, I said it.

I have been stressed like crazy about my new friend from the support group, J, who has the 12.5 BMI and is dangerously ill. She is still working full-time, driving and doing everything! She thinks she can handle it. She was considering coming to the clinic too, but she doesn’t have insurance and doesn’t think she’s worth it to have her parents spend money on her. She is also still in denial and not ready to face the reality of this illness. I am trying to be a gentle encouraging support for her – but more than anything just a friend who she can confide in. It isn’t easy. Just as this illness is not easy on anyone. Damien is suffering a lot too.

So I very scared about my appt, tomorrow. And I also am not looking forward to going to the clinic without J. We had decided to seek treatment together, but now she is backing out. Yet I can’t do that. I would let everyone down.

An issue at the moment is WHAT and IF, and HOW MUCH to tell Sofie. A dear friend of mine tells me that I should seek a prominent child psychologist’s opinion and tread VERY CAREFULLY before we decide what and how to tell. Sofie is a a child who worries a lot, and is generally a stressed kid. And she’s had A LOT of upheavals and traumas in her life. I don’t know if this would send her backwards, or forwards. At the moment, I think she knows something is not right, but she really doesn’t understand or know anything specific. Sigh, I need help with this one.

Of course, only a matter of time before the whole family knows, and my parents have to be told that things are more serious than in the past and I might actually be going to be hospitalised. We’ll see the results of my appt tomorrow. Sigh, they could tell me I’m fine. Yeah right, I"m just naturally tall and thin? Well why is my life so disordered and I feel like hurting myself everytime I eat? As you can imagine, I’m no longer seeing my former p-doc.

Elizabeth