Struggling with finding the truth
I had an epiphany the other day. Having met a very sick girl, J, with BMI 12.5, who was anorexic, and having listened to all the people around me telling me they are worried, that I need some help, and that I am in danger of becoming sicker…..I started to realise and allow the thought that I MIGHT ACTUALLY be sick.
I’ve been in denial for so long. I have always felt I am a fraud. Making things up. That I am indulgent and selfish. And that my thing with food is MY doing, and in my control, and I have CHOSEN to do it.
Challening that perspective with the idea that I am out of control and that I am actually sick was VERY HARD. But the sense of relief that washed over me, after I confronted it, was really very nice. I cried a lot, and I talked and connected to Damien, more than I have in that last 6 months. I even looked him in the eye a lot more easily (big thing for me). I told him about my new friend who was very sick and how together we had been helping eachother admit we need help. And we’ve been positive and with healthy thoughts because we want to help EACHOTHER. Together we had decided to seek IP treatment. She said she wouldn’t go without me, and I said I didn’t want to go without her.
Then, today, I had my normal p-doc appt in the city. I told him of my week. Meeting J, and having had the realisations. Damien had been away all this week on a business trip, and my week was consumed with not being able to sleep, having IM convos, taking sleeping tabs, being exhausted, not eating, being a Mum, and then having Damien come home into my arms and actually feel safe and free. And I let it all out, and accepted I was sick.
So my p-doc tells me my 12.5 BMI friend very much needs IP. But he tells me, "You’re not very unwell at all." You’re quite good nutritionally because your body still has it’s period. So maybe you’re just naturally tall and skinny (wtf?). He told me a BMI of 16 or 17 was fine for me. Looked okay on me. And that I am not doing too badly at all. He told me I’m not really sick at all. And that I don’t need IP.
He might as well of knocked me flat and shut the door in my face. I mean, god. Doesn’t he know how much I struggle with thinking I’m making things up? I’ve told him. Has he not noticed the 5kg I have lost since seeing him? (he DID weigh me by the way – for the FIRST time tonight and then preceeded to tell me I’m fine.) Previous to seeing him I’d lost 7kg. So 12kg all together. And I don’t feel like it’s going to stop. Wouldn’t I only be fine if my weight was STABLE and not dropping?
Does he not know I struggle with food EVERY DAY and that in my MIND there is utter chaos and self-hate? Life is hell at home, I can’t manage to eat anything the same as Damien and Sofie, I eat out of context, and not at meal times, and if I do eat at meals times, it’s like a plate of veges. Sofie has given up asking why. I struggle to go out to restaurants. I exercise in secret. I EAT in secret. I am consumed by controlling and managing food.
And he tells me I’m fine and don’t need to go IP. Well here’s a photo I took of myself yesterday. I can’t look in mirrors because they don’t seem to tell me anything. I don’t look real in them. At least photos and window panes show me better. I still don’t believe I have a problem (maybe I do?) but damn if HE thinks that this is normal and healthy for me then he should lose his liscence as an ED doctor.
Dear – I don’t know you but I do know doctors and yours is an idiot. I look at your picture and you don’t look *fine.* my twisted mind thinks that you look absolutely amazing – but not *fine* you’re right there at emaciated, without an ounce of fat on you and if you feel like you need help then you do! I suggest you find a new doctor who is more in tune to his patients. It’s his problem not yours!
Warning Comment
this entry made me so angry. i’d like to give your doc a piece of my mind. you do not look healthy in the pic. you aren’t ok in terms of your thoughts and behaviours. please, find someone else who will take you seriously. you don’t deserve this.
Warning Comment
i have heard some horrible things about the medical profession. please realise you deserve to live a life, not simply to survive. *hugs* xx
Warning Comment
I don’t know you. but please, find yourself another doctor. you need help, and no-one should be denying it to you. take care xxx
Warning Comment
that is NOT ok. go to IP. its taken you this long to make up your mind, don’t let some stupid/uninformed/i couldn’t even begin to guess whats wrong with him docter tell you otherwise. love to you,
Warning Comment
Having seen the destructive ravishing of this illness on your body first-hand in the past months, I can only say that this person’s perceptive capacity is lacking. I can only say that I am proud of you for accepting that you have a problem, and that you don’t need this “doc’s” validation. Stop seeking this validation from others. Focus on the important task of getting yourself well. LOTS of love,
Warning Comment
get a new dr, seriously, please. the only possible way that a bmi of 16 or 17 can be healthy on anyone is if they genuinely are naturally built like that. if you’re not eating, you’re underweight and you’re afraid of being fat, then you have anorexia. please don’t let this dr kill you…
Warning Comment
The fact that you realise that YOU DONT look healthy in that picture is a positive step. YOU DO need help and you do deserve to recieve it in a dignified and understanding manner. I hope the support group is of some help to you, and i think it was, until the P-DOC appt erased the progress…. keep coming along, you need it, as little as it offers, its somewhere understanding…
Warning Comment
E-mail me if you need to, i am more than happy to help in some way. I cant help but think that if I had my degree you would take my concern more seriously, but you know that I am right in saying you are sick and need help. Keep in Touch. Kel xx
Warning Comment
I agree with everyone else. That doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. And let’s get it quite clear that being a “doctor” doesn’t always make their opinions totally reliable! They make mistakes too. Don’t let his mistake stop you from taking a positive step forward in seeking help. Admitting you have an illness and am not a fraud, is a huge step. I’m proud of you. Go to IP and see where it
Warning Comment
takes you. As for Sophie…she might have given up on asking you questions about why you don’t eat…but she’s not stupid. She will figure it out. It might be time for Damien to sit down with her and have a talk about ED. You should both tell her you are sick. She needs to know that your eating habits and ED thoughts are not healthy. And she needs to know you want to get better. This may have a
Warning Comment
profound impact on her life. You are still a good role model, even if you are sick. Admitting your illness will let her know you are aware of how sick you are and seeking help. You are trying. And that is all she or anyone else can ask of you. And it will teach her a valuable lesson. P.S. You are grossly underweight. I have always thought that. Love LC
Warning Comment
Okay. Your Doctor is an IDIOT. Any Doctor whom profesionally deals with young women with EDs would NOT settle on a BMI of anything less than 21 – this is standard for all ED Drs. Anythig under 17.5 is sick. Follow your heart and go with the in-patient treatment. Whether you need it or not right now, you want it and that is what is important. You are ready to do it and it is time to take charge!
Warning Comment
Sweetheart, if you really want to get better, you should check yourself in to an in-patient program. Switch doctors, because if he says you dont need IP treatment with a bmi as low as yours, he’s crazy. I hope you get well. <3
Warning Comment
Grrrr, your doctor needs a bullet!!!
Warning Comment
Find a new doctor!!!! If you feel you have a problem, then you DO. Hugs to you. Linette
Warning Comment
For some reason, I only saw this entry now. I can’t believe your doctor. But it only makes me prouder, that you chose to not give him credit, and go ahead with trying to get into the programme anyway. And that you made this realisation. It is a huge step forward. And I have to be honest: that photo scares me. You are far too thin. It’s not make-believe, it’s real. I hope you get the help you need.
Warning Comment
Hi, I came across your diary through one of my favourites. So I don’t know you at all and I have no vested interest in telling you something you want to hear. The truth is you look anorexic and very ill and I agree, your psychiatrist needs striking off the register if he thinks you don’t have a problem. Wishing you all the best xx
Warning Comment