It was good …

… I said something to Dan.  I immediately felt relief.  Learning to say what’s on my mind or what I’m feeling is a big lesson for me no matter who I’m saying it to … using my voice … yeesh!  I hear/read that from so many women out there … men too I’m sure … anyway, for me it just takes awhile to formulate the words and once I sent the text pretty much verbatim to my last entry, it was as if I had been released.  I stopped questioning whether it was drama … I stopped questioning whether or not what I was feeling was right or wrong … I stopped holding myself back from speaking my truth, and the whole world didn’t end … go figure;)  He said it’s more than no sex, but he didn’t know if he could “explain it to my satisfaction or if it matters” … my initial reaction was “yeesh”, but almost immediately just let it go and said it was up to him to explain or not, and that I had said what I needed to say … I felt so grown up ahahahahaha … I didn’t react, I responded! Amazazing!!  So that’s the antidote to drama;)  He sent me a lengthy email later in the day explaining his side, and I’m not sure if I’ll reply or not.  It doesn’t change where I stand, but at least now I can better understand how he feels, and not assume something that isn’t true.  This is communication, not drama.  Very cool indeed:)

I had intentions of spending yesterday ticking off things to do on my Christmas list and celebrating the Winter Solstice in solitude, but John texted and asked if I was interested in going for a drive to Cypress Hills.  I didn’t hesitate in accepting, but then after I did, I questioned my decision uggghhhh wtf!!!  I slowed myself down and realized that questioning was totally coming from the BJ.  I’m not going to avoid something cool like going to CH with John just because I’ve withdrawn from a sexual relationship with him too.  He’s been totally accepting and while I can tell he’d like it to be different between us, he respects my decision and he isn’t pouting about it or being manipulative in any way.  We had a GREAT time!! and I am so hecken glad I didn’t listen to the BJ, otherwise I would have missed out on an adventure and time with a pretty cool dude.  We went out for supper when we got back to town and he walked me to my door.  We hugged and that was that.  After I changed into PJ’s and sat to decompress before bed, it took awhile for me to get out of the ‘assuming he wanted more and I’m just playing with him’ headspace.  He knows where I stand and he’s still willing to spend time with me so why would I even go there?  Going over all the reasons behind my decision to go SSS helped immensely, and I understood yet again that focusing on my own happiness isn’t selfish or self-centred … it’s integral to loving myself.