The Karmic Cycles of My Choice

I don’t know if I believe in karma but some things are pretty ironic. So as I have configured over the last year I developed this disgusting crush on my coworker from once was just disgust. I made a mental inventory of the things I’ve sacrificed to make sure I could be around him. Is he beautiful, of course. Incredibly smart and for some reason I just want him, and have for a while. He is a safe zone. But, sadly. I know in my heart he doesn’t feel that way about me. I don’t know if it’s because I let people walk all over me, or because I’m this pretty girl that posts tons of selfies on facebook… or maybe I do too much for my organization, maybe he doesn’t share my drive? I’m an ex addict, I don’t know. But I’m feeling incredibly insecure. I dropped the guy I was talking to so I could make it clear I was interested in anyone else. I couldn’t be upfront about it, but I made it obvious. He’s gone for good now anyways. So, knowing it’s not gonna happen I slept with Kevin and for like two seconds I felt a little less alone. I don’t have feelings for him but I’m comfortable with him. I had what was the best sex of my life and then the next day he writes me saying he wants to be good to his girlfriend and can no longer see me right now. Why did he involve me in all of this? I’m just feeling like I did something wrong. Truthfully I’m feeling pretty sad about all of this, I wish I could move. Overall it all happened the same day. I know I’ve done this to kevin in the past. I know I play with peoples heads because I don’t know who feels what. I know my ex is insane and my i can’t think straight because Im swimming in ptsd, and sadly no one wants to love me with it. I’ve realized I’m more than a pretty face. I’m full of sadness and sickness and pain that I have to feel alone. I know this. I just thought maybe he did actually like me from all the little signs, but I got lead on and its karma, ok?