The first one
I am trying this on for size.
I don’t know how confident I feel in sharing. There is a reason for starting this writing project. I just don’t know why I want it to be public but at the same time do it with complete anonymity. I think it’s a way for me to reach out to someone, anyone, to support me. I can’t go to friends or family yet with this. And I’m not ready to work out my feelings and emotions to anyone who really knows me. I would rather be judged by a stranger. That’s a weird thought.
Anyway, let me try with the facts.
I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. And this week, seemingly out of the blue, he came out to me as trans. He wants to explore this feeling he’s had inside him. He said that he’s been thinking about it for a long time and he feels happier since realizing this is who he is. He also said that he wants to stay with me.
How did I react? Outwardly, I offered to shave my legs with him and took him shopping for boots and a cute sweater. Inwardly, I feel like I’m dying. I want him (FYI, he still is using male pronouns) to be happy and be able to be who he was meant to be. At the same time, the only thought I have is, “Hey! What about me?”. I feel selfish for thinking this. I feel as though I am not supportive even though I bought him a couple camisoles to wear under that cute sweater that he bought. I have no idea where to go with this.
OpenDiary is a great website for sharing your experiences. We are a very supportive community.
Your husband coming out to you as trans is very unusual, and unexpected, it’s definitely not something that happens every day. For a lot of people, not just for you, it’s a major shocker.
My question is, have you thought about what you want? This is a major change for you as well.
Is this something that you think you’ll ever be comfortable with, or is it impossible for this new dynamic to ever work? After having spent 22 years of your life with this person, that might be very difficult for you to answer right now… since you’re probably still processing everything. Just remember that life is too short to not be happy and 100% comfortable with what you’re doing.
If you find that you’re in the place where you’ll never be comfortable with this, remember that you can always offer your friendship and support. I see that’s what you’re trying to do now as his wife.
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For starters, whether you know someone or not, if anyone JUDGES you, you really don’t want to listen to their “advice”. Secondly, you’ve come to the right place – everyone here is pretty darn anonymous, unless they reveal their real info, which I have very rarely seen someone do 🙂 So, you’re safe.
As for your hubby, you’re not being selfish about anything. You also matter, not just him. The only thing I’d advise is to tell him the truth about how you’re feeling, and maybe even suggest therapy (NOT for what you’re thinking; more in a minute) so you BOTH can deal with this change in the least stressful, hurtful way possible. It IS a change, though – and, as any beginning, he should not handle it too casually – this is why I was mentioning therapy: that’s just professional help from folks who have experience guiding people in this type of life-switch. Just so that there can be a surety that this is not just a phase and he wants to go through with it all the way. It is NOT as simple as one would first think – I have seen one very dear friend make the change (he’s very close to bottom surgery, has had top, and it was definitely NOT an easy road at all). I wish the best to both of you <3
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Welcome to Open Diary! That is a very difficult situation, I hope writing here can help you to understand your feelings. I am always amazed how we can learn new things about people we thought we knew everything about – even after twenty-two years. Remember yourself as you work through this with your husband 🙂
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It’s okay to feel this way. Supporting your husband doesn’t have to come at the expense of your own feelings.
A very close friend of mine came out as trans a few years ago. She was married to a woman at the time. Even though her wife wanted to be supportive, she ended up being so angry that they now are not only divorced, they don’t even speak—which is sad, because my friend misses her ex. She was her best friend. Even though my friend wanted to stay married, she said she would understand if her wife, who married a man, didn’t want to. Divorce didn’t hurt her; being abandoned did. Communication is the most important thing. If you two can be honest with each other, then you can make it through this together no matter what “together” may look like 1, 5, 10, or 20 years from now. Talking to someone else besides your husband—someone who won’t judge either of you—is key, too. You’ll need someone to vent and to bounce ideas/passing thoughts and feelings off of.
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OF COURSE YOU WOULD HAVE FEELINGS (sorry i’m yelling support at you). that’s completely normal and NOT SELFISH, AT ALL.
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