Who is that girl?

Wow.

Just… wow….

For years I thought I had lost my diary. For years I have yearned to write in it and for years I have put off trying to find the site again. For years I would tell my self..”tomorrow night when the baby goes to bed I am going to search…”  “when the weekend gets here and the baby is napping and daddy is downstairs in the garage I am going to find a place to pour myself out…” tomorrow….always another day, another reason why not…. – the dishes need washed, laundry folded, the work I brought home needed finished, when was the last time I dusted? I should probably tackle that..this weekend we need groceries, or fuck, I have an hour and a half to myself – I just want to do nothing and mindlessly stare at the T.V and thumb through FB and Pintrest on crafty things I dig but will never actually do…and the list goes on and on and on….

Last night I was sharing with my sister-in-law (well, she might as well be anyway) how my life stories were recorded on my online diary. I shared with her how one night – after many – I logged onto my computer to sit down and write and the site had been shut down. My history, my youth, every moment good or bad, win or lose, monumental or mundane, just vanished as if  it had never existed. For 8 years now I have missed having my outlet, my safe place, where I could say whatever I wanted or needed and there was no judgement, there was no over-talking me, no one pretending to listen but turning my words into their words and now it was somehow about them and their story, there was no shutting me down.

I missed being able to feel. The only thing I have felt for a long time is that I haven’t felt for a long time.

I couldn’t sleep after she left. I kept thinking about my online diary, my past, and my future and how important it still is for me to continue to record all of it. I vowed when I went to sleep, mainly because it was the only way I could tell my brain to shut up so I could in fact go to sleep, that I would stop putting it off. I would stop wishing for something and never going after it. I would stop putting myself on hold because I felt I owed the world more…I would make the time to search. I would make my wish come true.

And here I am – stepping back in time.

And wow.

I am staring back at the teenage girl I was when I started this little thing and I am just so damn glad I found her. I am beaming inside, already feeling a sense of freedom and warmth I haven’t felt in so long.

Man…I need to tell her so many things….

And most importantly…I need to listen to what she has to say….what she had to say.