The Long Kiss Good-Bye

       I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched. DB ended things the other morning and I am surprisingly sadder than I thought I would be. It turns out I really liked the guy. Things had started to get more serious and we were spending more and more time together, and maybe it scared him, I don’t know. I really got the impression (despite his earlier flakiness) that he was genuinely into me. Monday night he took me to a pretty fancy dinner and afterwards we cuddled on the couch to watch a movie. It was just so sweet and cozy.  The next morning we were laying in bed and he referenced how nice things were the night before and he wanted to get serious with me. I got all kinds of nervous and excited when the conversation took an unexpected turn. 

  He wanted to call things off because his Bipolar disorder was getting out of hand and he just needed to be on his own. The week before he went on a drinking binge in an effort to self medicate and nearly killed himself when he ran his car off the road. He said I was too young to wrap my life up in a guy who has so many problems that will never go away. He told me his pulling away wasn’t due to another girl because there isn’t one, "so please don’t think that. I wanted last night to be our last ‘hurrah’ before I entered this alone mode." I listened to him for about 45 minutes, pretty unsure what to say. He went back and forth between really liking me and insinuating that when he was settled down we could try again to it just being over for good. I was confused to say the least. After a few minutes of awkward silence he asked what was on my mind and I didn’t even know where to begin. 

  "This isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation DB."  

"Yeah but, I was drunk before."

"That doesn’t mean it was any less sincere. With that said, I like you. Alot. And I consider myself a pretty patient and understanding person. So if it’s just space you’re wanting, I get that. You’re on new medication, you need to focus on your sobriety and work on dealing with your disease. I am not going to pretend that I know what you’re going through and tell you that you should stick around anyway and we can go from there. I want you to be better for yourself and be right in your head. At the same time if it’s a matter of waiting for you to feel better, I can do that. I don’t want to see anyone else."

"Well, that sucks for you."     

Ummm ouch? "Maybe it does."

"I still want to see you at work. And I’ll still want our stolen kisses when no one’s looking, but I don’t want to lead you on Hanna."

"Then don’t. If you’re serious, and making this official, and you’re saying we are done, then there can’t be any more flirting, or looks, or private moments at work."

"I wouldn’t blame you for being mad at me. Or giving me dirty looks at work."

"I am not that person DB. If what you’re telling me is really how you feel, I can’t be mad at you for being honest. I understand your reasons even if they sting. There wont be hateful glances or bitchy comments. "

At that point he pulled me close in an embrace and kissed my forehead, "please still be my friend Hanna. Please."

A few minutes later he got out of bed and started putting on his clothes. He asked if he would see me the next day at work and I told him no, "What about the day after that?" No. "When will I see you again?" I don’t know. "Thank you for listening Hanna. And for understanding." He started to walk to the front door and turned around like he forgot something and came over to me and hugged me tighter than I have probably ever been hugged before and kissed me good bye. 

 I don’t know if he expected a different response from me. A more girl response begging him not to end things and we could work through his problems, maybe to feel out where I stood…I don’t know. His face seemed genuinely tortured when he was talking to me but I am not going to beg him to stick around. I think I made myself clear on how I felt about him when I told him I didn’t want to see anyone else. Yesterday I had to run some papers up to my main property and as I was standing there he walked into the office to punch out. As soon as I saw him doing that I told B I had to go and hightailed it out of the building. I drove down to the gas station and on my way out I saw him turning towards the traffic light but when he saw me walking to my car he made a last minute U-Turn and pulled up beside me. 

He asked me how I was and I lied and told him I was fine. I asked how his first day in maintenance went (he got a promotion/position change at work) and he said it was just OK.Then he said something I couldn’t make out and I asked him to repeat himself. "Are you pissed at me Hanna?" His face still looked tortured. 🙁 "No DB, I am not pissed." "Are you sure? you’d have every right.." "I am not pissed. I am disappointed…" "Thank you for not being mad Hanna. And for listening to me and understanding."  "Well DB, you offered me more honesty than I have received in the past. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Still friends okay?" He looked away as he said ok and then I told him I had to get going and I’d see him later. 

I don’t know what he expects from me. I guess when I get upset and hurt I’ll be damned if I am going to let it show on my face. People just tend to think they’ve been let off the hook while I suffer internally. They never even know the damage they’ve caused. Hell maybe they do. I dunno. I think what makes it worse is that I feel like he really likes me, and cares, but he’s hiding behind his disease. Like he isn’t good enough to get close to someone because he’s damaged or something. The look of total upset and pain on his face made me want to cry for him. I hope he finds balance. I really do. 

It sucks, and it hurts, and I am going to miss being around him. Our chemical attraction to each other is crazy strong, and that might be the hardest thing for us to have to ignore.  He made me feel a million times better about myself than Frank ever did and he showed me that there are other people out there for me who are more appreciative of who I am and what I have to offer. I’ve never felt so desired in my whole life…maybe that’s what I am sad about losing? Who knows. 

Time to move on. Again.