Is The Third Time Really The Charm?

    Every time I have the urge to sit down and update this thing I never know how to start, or what to put in the entry other than random blubber. I write and read, and edit, and rewrite and nothing ever seems like quality.writing or read. Ahh well, it is what it is right? I am not supposed to be here wowing people with my writing ability but, rather getting what’s inside OUT. So why do I worry so much with how things sound or come across? I also feel like lately I speed through stories and leave out important detail or thought that would better convey what I am trying to say. I really am going to try to focus and to actually take my time when I sit down to write in this thing. Actually sound like an adult is writing this journal. HA! Sometimes I wonder though…

 I guess the last time I wrote in here I spoke about my disappointment over not getting the supervisor position at work. It turns out B is responsible for interviewing her replacement and already she found two lies on the girls resume. One being that the girl said she had a BS when really she told B she had an associates degree and will be going back to school next fall. That’s like a whole TWO years and who knows how many transfer credits (since she’s changing to the university here) that is away from a BS degree. Crazy. Not to mention she told B she wanted full time until she went back to school and then she would need to go back down to part time when her classes start. Our supervisor position is a full time position ALL the time. I am not sure how this girl is even going to work. There may be a chance when the higher ups find out about this girls needs they’re going to realize she isn’t fit for the job. Not to mention her work history doesn’t show longevity at all. There may be a small chance I am still picked for the job but, I am not holding my breath. I will keep doing good work because that’s just who I am. We should know something any time now. They will need to fill B’s position by the first of the year.

 Things with DB have gotten pretty intense. The entire dynamic of our “relationship” has changed in the past five days and I am not quite sure how to handle it or what to think or really what I feel to be honest. Last week he canceled our plans twice (that he made) and of course before that he canceled twice (again plans he made) the week before that. Last Saturday we both had the night off and I retardely suggested we hang out (because I am a girl and I am stupid and wanted to see him despite him prior disappointing me) but he said he was going over to Aaron’s instead. At that moment I decided I was done with this guy and I wouldn’t be making any more attempts to spend time with him. Somewhere around 3:00am my phone rings and it’s him. I knew why he was calling at that hour and I just wasn’t going to have it. Did he think he could just not keep his word whenever it suited him but I’d be there for a 3am “booty call?” Forget that shit. I ignored the call and went back to sleep. (Yeah, go me and my willpower.) The next day when he woke up he started texting me about what they did the night before and how much they drank and how miserably hung over he was and I didn’t show any sympathy in my few responses.

 Monday rolls around and when I got off work I had plans to get some Christmas shopping done and then have dinner with mom and David, while I am out shopping DB texts me and asks if I am at work and did I want to go sit down at our favorite bar and have some red wine. Guess who caves? Yeah me. So much for will power. I told him I could meet up with him and he wanted to do it right then. I told him if he wanted to hang out with me he’d have to wait until after I had dinner with the ‘rents.  When I finally met up with him he’s like “Hanna!!! It’s been like THREE YEARS since I have seen you!!!” Yeah, so I am a little pissed which gave me the balls to give him a sarcastic response. “Well, it wouldn’t have been so long if you actually said you were going to see me and DID. You always bail out.” He owned up to it which made it hard to stay mad at him. It’s hard for me to truly stay mad at anyone in my life (with a few exceptions).

  I met up with him again on Tuesday night at a place that was having live music and told him he could sit in and play the drums with them. It was the first time I have ever gotten to see him play the drums. Although they weren’t his set, and it wasn’t his normal gig, I thought he was pretty fantastic. He’s so passionate about music and instruments and their sounds. When he was up on the stage his whole body and mind were just totally in the moment of the music and you could just feel how happy he was to be up there banging away. It was pretty intense. Several of his friends that I’ve had the chance to meet before showed up and the one that was with them I didn’t know stuck out his hand to introduce himself and said, “Hey _____, you’re girl is really beautiful. What’s her name?”  DB didn’t even correct him, he just said “Her name is Hanna and you’re right man, she’s stunning.” Man, the entire time I was with Frank I don’t think I ever heard him use the words beautiful or stunning when referring to me. In fact not many men have so I was a little awkward when receiving their compliments. It felt nice though.

 Later that night I got up the courage to tell DB that I was into him. He got this look on his face like, “umm okay. Where is this going?” Before he could say anything in that awkward silence I went on. “So yeah, I like you a lot. I just wanted to throw that out there. And I also haven’t seen anyone else since I’ve started seeing you…not dating, or sleeping with anyone, nothing.” He said neither had he and the like was “reciprocated.” He thought it was understood that we were into each other and not messing around with anyone else. “How could that have been understood? We never drew any lines in what was going on between us. That’s what I was trying to do right now!” So we kind of kept saying the same thing for a minute about liking each other and blah blah blah. And then there was the “but.” I figured I took the risk to be honest I have to accept whatever it is he is about to say next. “You remember what I told you at Aaron’s one time about my being Bipolar right?” …”Yeah, sort of. The night is kind of fuzzy.” “Well, I think you’re a great woman Hanna. You’re awesome to be around, I really enjoy your company and the sex is great between us. I really like you a lot. With that said, I told you before I was Bipolar and I am not taking meds for it. I don’t want to hurt you and I know I would. I know if I got into a relationship with you it would end badly and I don’t want that for you, or for us. When I got into one of my moods I’d shut you out and that isn’t fair to you.” I told him I understood what he was saying but, that “1. I didn’t tell him what I felt to force him into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I just wanted to know where things stood between us and if it was an open thing or not.  2. I don’’t know how good I am for a serious relationship yet so lets not take it there. I am happy with what we have right now. Who knows what will happen 6 months from now, but I don’t care about that. I just want to keep doing what we’re doing.” He replied with “Fair enough. I am good with that.”   

WHEW, so that was out of the bag. Monday and Tuesday he spent the night at my place. Which was funny because he had just gotten a house here in town and could have just went home and slept in his own bed without having to drive 45 minutes but, instead he stayed here. Last night he met up with B and I downtown. When he showed up two guy friends of ours had just shown up and was in the process of hugging me and putting his arm around my shoulder. This particular guy is very “huggy” and “touchy-feely” with everyone so it wasn’t like a come-on but DB didn’t know that. He mentioned only staying for a beer and then he was going home but the other two guys stuck around and I guess he got worried one of them would sweep me off my feet because he kept changing his mind and then suggested he and I go someplace else, like our wine bar. After the wine bar we came back home and we were having a couple of beers and looking at stuff on the computer when he suddenly stops and just looks at me. “What?” This guy is so impulsive, I never know what he is going to say or do next. “I think we should date officially Hanna.”   “Officially?”  “Yeah. Is that okay? What do we do about working together, is it okay with work?”   “Well I mean, I guess it’s okay. We’re both hourly team members and it’s not against policy for us to date. I am not getting the supervisor position so it’s really okay now.”  “Ok good. Great!” Then he just smiled and kissed me. I guess to seal the deal? Again he spent the night. 3 times in one week. Tomorrow night is our work Christmas dinner (in which the other day B had a dream that DB just up and kissed me in front of all our coworkers. Which makes last night’s conversation with DB kind of funny/interesting) and we have plans to hang out afterwards.

  So I am not really sure what the deal is with him. I mean it sounds like we’re together but I am not sure what that entails you know? I guess I will just keep doing whatever it is I am doing and see how things work themselves out. I like this guy a lot. I am still really reserved from investing too much of myself into a person right now in fear of getting hurt. I know every guy isn’t Frank but I would be lying if I said I could easily trust some one else. What he did to me still resonates in how I think and react to even DB, and really anyone else new in my life. I know it isn’t fair to make new people pay for Frank’s mistakes with me but it’s a lot easier said than done to let go of. I am working on that though. I don’t think DB is the kind of guy who lies, manipulates or is capable of leading a double life. He seems way more sincere than Frank ever did. I never get the sense he is hiding something. Which is nice. If anything I am the one hiding parts of myself…

  Anyway, I am looking forward to Christmas. Right now I am sitting at my new table writing this entry, and pausing every few minutes to look at my little Christmas tree that’s all lit up. It was full of presents yesterday before I packed them into my car and drove them to my mom’s to put under the tree. I’ll get a little something for B and DB and put them under there just so there are some presents under there. I have no idea what to get for either of them, but I do know I want them to be thoughtful, and personal. I love it when I find the perfect gift for someone. I almost can’t wait to give it to them I get so excited to see their reaction.

Alright, time to shower and get into comfy clothes and Netflix the rest of my Saturday night off.

****P.S.**** in the whole time I have had Skype since last talking to Frank over a year ago, it has showed him actually log on 4 times as I wrote this. I haven’t seen his name online in all this time. I have this gut feeling it’s a matter of time before he messages me.