Turning back the hands of time

     The day outside looks so beautiful. Clear blue skies, and sunny. Too bad it’s frigidly cold. I am already anticipating spring and summer next year.

   Last night I put a small four foot Christmas tree in my little apartment, lights, ornaments, and everything. Afterwards I lit some candles, and drank a glass of red wine and it was the coziest feeling ever. B thought I was crazy to put up a tree since I am by myself but I can’t think of a better reason really. Christmas has always been a favorite holiday, probably because I am an only child..ha. I genuinely like the lights and the colors and the whole feeling it gives a room. I brought my little bistro table home on Thanksgiving last week and it’s really feeling more and more like my home. It’s hard to imagine ever living with my mom for long, and I haven’t been on my own but a few months. I can’t imagine ever going backwards. I hope I never have to.

  It looks more and more like this promotion may be coming my way. Our ex AGM told me last Monday when I saw him to get ready for all the changes the company is about to make. There will be lots of a movement apparently. B is showing me more and more of her job duties, which I am picking up with no difficulty. The scheduling is a bit tedious sometimes, but nothing I can’t handle. If I DO get this step up in the company I know I will rock it out. I am just trying not to get my hopes up because there are so many variables that could change the course of our company’s decisions.   I am being practical about it though, for the most part.

  I am a bit envious of Drummer Boy this week though. He got called to NYC for a gig over his 30th birthday…..despite the ex, I do miss that place. I have so many good memories there, and I love the pace of the entire place. He actually lived there for a few years and worked in a recording studio as well as a couple of bands. We both end up reminiscing a lot. Talking about parts of the city and the atmosphere. So many people around here aren’t fans of big cities and they have this horrible image of NYC…so when I talk about being there their eyes just gloss over…it’s nice to have some one get just as excited as I do when talking about that place. I feel nostalgic though. As much as I loved being there I have to wonder what any of it meant, and how real it was. And how many other Me’s were/are out there feeling the same way because of a certain person? I really thought it would be my home someday….now I can’t even picture it being in my future. Which is crazy, because I know I can go back anytime I want, as long as the money is there. And I know if I went back I would love it just as much as I did when I was there all the other times. I told my mom about him going and my post card comment…he said he had something else in mind to bring back for me…and her response was “Good. I hope he brings you back something that gives you NEW good memories of that place.”  I will just be happy to hear the stories upon his return.

  To add to my nostalgia  my mom was out Christmas shopping last week and we met up for lunch and she showed me this pocket watch she picked up for David that said “Dad.” She pulled it out of the bag for me to examine and give my opinion on it and as I looked it over admiring it, I instantly went back so many years to the pocket watch I picked out for Frank. I looked for months and months until I found the perfect one I knew he’d like. He had wanted one SOOOO bad, but never got around to finding one he felt like spending the money on. Then I had it engraved on the back and he fell in love with it the moment he opened the little box. He had that thing with him every second of the day and used it so often you could see the wear and tear after a while. When it broke he spent more than it was worth just to have it fixed. The jeweler thought he was INSANE for that…

  I guess my mom saw the memory cross over my face because she felt bad right away. I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t love him. I’d be perfectly fine if I never heard his name again, or  saw a picture with his face in it….but sometimes I still feel little pangs of hurt…it was such a sentimental piece between us. Now I imagine it rusting in the bottom of some garbage pile in a landfill somewhere. How sad huh?  He rarely comes to mind anymore…it’s amazing how some little trinket can just take you back against your will…sometimes I wonder what good memories do us? I wish I had the power of repression.

 Ahhh well. =)