Little Boys

    Well, my mood has shifted from the other night. I think I was just so upset because I worked so many hours over the weekend and then finding what I found just hit me the wrong way. Yesterday I was happy and rested and not even bothered, not to mention it was an absolutely beautiful day. The weather was comfortable and the sun was out, customers were extremely friendly and work was genuinely enjoyable.

 After work I came home and changed into some shorts and a tank top and hit the trails. I think I was out for like 2 hours just walking or jogging and mentally clearing my mind. This ritual has become so theraputic for me, even doing it alone now. I just plug in my headphones and other than seeing other joggers or bike riders, I just forget that there are other people out there for the most part. I saw two little boys early on in the trail, well maybe not so little, 12? 13? riding their bikes and holding fishing poles they made out of tree branches and fishing wire to a little thicket of trees. They carelessly hopped off their bikes and pushed through the trees and bushes to the little creek down below with their poles in tow. I thought back to being that age and how I saw the world, how I didn’t really have the worries that I do now.

  I can remember living back in California and just being a kid. Making mud-pies with my next door neighbor. My only worry being my mom finding out I was using her pots and pans to make these mud pies in….oops. Or on the super hot and dry days busting out the hose and inventing silly water games. There was no knowledge of bills, or broken hearts, or any other grown up drama that comes with age and experience…  The world is so un-jaded at that age. Anything is possible and old age seems light years away. I wish I could have captured a little of their innocence and re-absorbed it into myself. It’s such a shame we lose that as we grow up. We stop feeling invincible and suddenly see everything exactly as they are. We (for the most part) become rational, thinking adults. We require logic to function from day to day. Of course that’s not a negative thing at all, it would just be nice to bottle some of our youth and carry it with us. 

  I am sure those boys were probably little hellions, (they had that look about them) but at that moment, they made me smile.

 —–

 I thought a lot though about my friends and myself in relationships and being in-love. I see B bounce from guy to guy refusing to ever fall in-love (with the exception of our AGM who she is head over heels for) and her advice always leaves me feeling lonely. Lizzy clings to whatever attention she can get and falls in love with each new guy…As much as I tell everyone how much I don’t want to fall in love because I never want to go through what I went through before, I fear being in love is ALL I can offer someone else. I can’t just BE with someone to be with them. It’s all or nothing for me I realize. I can’t be B and have guys lined up on the back burner waiting to hear back from me, or me waiting to hear from them. I can’t be Lizzy who obsesses over guys who don’t think very much of her. 

 I want that PERFECT guy FOR me. Not to be confused with me wanting them to be perfect because I know it isn’t out there. I am not (and I never was) looking for a guy I want to mold into that "perfect for me" state either. I don’t just hand out my love and feelings to just anyone and maybe that makes me hard to reach? Unapproachable? I guess I am sort of frigid until you get to know me. But when I do…..give myself to anyone, romantically or otherwise, I give 100%. It’s all Hanna…nothing more and nothing less.

So as much as B is teaching me to be harder, and more "Whatever" I realize I cannot be that person. I can’t be uncaring, or feign interest in someone I have ZERO interest in just to keep a line of guys in my sight at all times. She is right….as much as I thought I wanted to be like her (who we call The Hustler) to avoid ever being hurt again, I realize I am the complete opposite. I like loving someone and feeling loved in return. Who doesn’t?   Because it’s real. Even if it doesn’t go the way you hoped or imagined. 

None of this should be taken as I am looking for or needing a partner just to be happy either. It wouldn’t hurt but I’d rather be on my own and holding out for some one more deserving than going through a pleathera of guys. 

You know what else I realized yesterday on this  2 hour trek? That for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am really happy. I feel really content with who I am….I think I walked the whole way back to my car with a smile on my face.