A Room of One’s Own

       I have been thinking it is high time I move into my own place. My car payment is done after June (and that eats up almost an entire paycheck) and I think I would be able to swing a small 1 bedroom by the campus. It will probably be a crap apartment but it would be MY crap apartment and that just sounds so appealing. I guess before I was just holding off because I imagined I would finish college and move to NY and live with Frank. My dreams of moving to NY haven’t changed but the situation definitely has. Who knows, perhaps my dreams have changed now that he is no longer in the picture. Actually, there is no perhaps about it. My whole IDEA of my future has changed now that it doesn’t involve him. I always said I wasn’t living my life according to how he wanted me to or whatever, but I was certainly directing my life in his direction you know? That some day we’d be doing our own thing together. But things have changed -and that’s okay- now and I have to reevalute everything. I think moving out on my own is a good step in being fully independent. 

  Not to mention my mom is driving me absolutely batty. She has come to depend on me for EVERYTHING and I am so scared I am going to be stuck taking care of her instead of living my own life. I love her…really I do. I just need to feel like a real grown-up.  So that’s my goal this summer, pay off the car and move me and my kitty into an apartment of our very own. Ahhh yes…… 🙂 

  Drummer Boy had his second interview, drugs test, and job observation today. He called after it was over and sounded even more excited about working here. The drug test will probably be in by Friday and I imagine him to be on the schedule next week. The end of next week anyway. We are supposed to meet tomorrow for drinks and I suppose I will find out more about his motives for working here. He seems like a "free spirit" so I can’t see him being content in a hospitality job. Though the audit position he applied for doesn’t really require a lot of interaction with guests….so maybe it will work out. Who knows? Things will definitely be interesting given our (rather current) history. 

  My mom and several friends checked out the Facebook page that hosted the engagement announcement about Frank and his (new to me) lady.   They decided they would plaster comments about (his lying cheating ass) on the post in my defense. I did my best to tell them it was not worth it and that I have moved on but they wanted him humiliated in my defense. After arguing that I thought it was a bad idea I gave up my fight and let them have at it. The comments only stayed up about an hour and then were promptly deleted. I don’t know if anyone HE knows saw them, but it made his life a little difficult anyway, at least for a day. So many more things have become clearer to me now as I look back and reflect on things that it has made it more possible to keep moving forward. At what point did I become so forgettable though?  I think that’s what I can’t move past. With more people than just him even. 

   Uhg. MEN.  >=|

   On a positive note I have had some "creative stirrings" lately. Bits and pieces come to me and I write them down….I am not sure if they are bits and pieces of one work or just juices starting to flow. Either way I welcome them. It has been far too long since I have been inspired to write anything at all. I think the numbness is wearing off and I am able to face my emotions with an unclouded mind.