The Letter.

I haven’t mailed this yet. I wrote it last night at work…since it was slow.

"Dear Frank,

    I have sat here for the past hour trying to figure out how to start this letter. I have spent days going over what it is I want to say to you in my mind. There is just so much. We have a history that goes back nine years. Nine, Frank. I think back on our first kiss, my FIRST kiss, our first "time" (as cheesy as it sounds) when I deemed you worthy enough to take my innocence. In nine years I have matured and grown into a woman that has been inspired by you. So many of my experiences, good and bad, have been shared with you. A man who has been my best friend and lover for all those years. You were the one person I thought I could count on to be there. In every way, through everything. I never saw this coming. Regretfully.

  You have been silent for months now. You wanted me to believe it was for the purpose of work and I just can’t. My heart hopes that these "red flags" are just misunderstandings. But you always told me to trust my instincts. I would be doing myself harm if I were to ignore them now. My instincts say you’re not coming back. That for whatever reason, you stopped loving me enough. Now you’re gone. You have made it impossible for me to reach you. Out of guilt I am sure? We both know I am not the kind of girl to cause a scene.

  I am not going to sit here and tell you how broken hearted and angry I am. You are a smart (although I must be honest, not by your recent actions) man and we both know how well you know me. You know how much I invested in you, in us. So I know you know the devastation you have caused. I have gone back in my mind over what I could have said or done that would warrant this kind of disappearing act and I can’t think of anything. And you appeared no less loving toward me. This entire situation is so hard to understanding and SO disappointing. I thought you had better character than this. I hate the idea that you have just led me along all of these years out of some weird enjoyment. That every memory with you was based on deception. That they weren’t as real for you as they undoubtably were for me. That’s the hardest thing to swallow. If you were capable of hiding your age and the fact that you had a daughter from me for all those years, well then really you’re quite capable of anything. I guess I was just some dumb girl who fell for it all, huh?

  You told me then, when you confessed about your true age and that you were a parent, that my not knowing was not a reflection on me. That I did nothing wrong.  I disagree. I knew the whole time but continued to let you decieve me. The fact that I let you make me doubt my instinct is a bad reflection on me. I have to live the rest of my life knowing I loved a man who didn’t love me enough in return, think enough of me to be honest about himself. I know I will never have true closure regarding you Frank. Just like my father you have snatched yourself from my life without so much as a good bye. A coward’s way out Frank. There is no undoing that. Now I have to keep going through life feeling not good enough. Not worthy enough of someone’s honesty and dedication. How can I be so easily put of out mind? Doesn’t our history mean anything Frank? If you truly loved me, cared for me, you would not let so many months pass without word. You would find a way to reach me and alas, you have not.

   I know you moved on. I know there is someone else. Maybe there always was. I guess I will never really know anything else. I am sure there is a new cell phone number, a new Skype account, I know there is the woman in Texas. I am sure you have blocked my emails and created new online profiles. You can stop with the effort. I am not going to reach out anymore. I wish you had thought more of me Frank, to be able to tell me you weren’t happy anymore. I don’t know how you thought I would have reacted…I assure you I would have handled it maturely though. I deserved a better ending than this one. I know that much. I wish you did. And I love you Frank. I suppose I always will.  Even when I am 80 years old I will look back on our time shared and remember how much I loved you. But great love always brings great sadness, doesn’t it? The greatest sadness ever…..

  No matter how angry and betrayed I feel by your actions, I care more for you and what you have brought to my life. So I thank you Frank., for all the good things in my life that are a result of you, in some form or another. That’s how I know it wasn’t all for nothing.

   I am sorry this came out so long. I intended it to be "short and sweet". More than anything I wanted to be heard. Bye Frank.
Truly, 
Hanna"
Guess I’ll drop this off in the mail tomorrow…..