“What if God were one of us….”

I came in here earlier to write. I wrote two different entries and at the end of each one I carefully selected them and hit delete. I don’t know if anything was necessarily wrong with those entries, I am sure they were fine actually. Just after re-reading them I didn’t feel it.

Today I am tired. It was my first day off after 7 days in the hospitality business (very tiring on the mind) and now at 9:20 I finally feel myself winding down. I went to the dentist first thing this morning for my annual check up and one of two teeth cleanings my insurance provides a year. Everything looked good and they sent me home with all kinds of oral goodies. (I mean if that’s what you want to call floss, toothpaste and a new toothbrush. lol) Then I sat at the dealership while I got an oil change and tires rotated and all that good stuff. I managed to get three loads of laundry done when I got home and while that was going I dusted and vacuumed and cleaned out the fridge. (I really should do the last one more often…I am throwing away a lot of perfectly good Tupperware, lol.) It doesn’t seem like a did a whole lot but somehow it ate my entire day. But now I just want to go take a shower and crawl in between the clean sheets….

Sunday is fast approaching. I called my God-daughter today to tell her I was coming for her birthday and she got all excited over the phone. I talked to her mom a bit on the phone too while I waited on the car….she’s pretty concerned about me I guess and wants to try talking me into believing in God? I guess belief in some mystical being is supposed to make all my problems and sadness better..lol. I don’t knock people’s religious or spiritual beliefs, but it just isn’t my thing. I think it’s just her way of trying to find me a way through this and I don’t fault her for it, but I just hate bringing "God" into things. Why can’t religious people just stop trying to conform non-believers? I don’t try and tell them there is no God or Heaven, or Hell, or that it all just sounds like a scapegoat for things they don’t want to take responsibility for. I am hoping she was just joking when she asked "Can I interest you in God?" and that when I get there on Sunday she doesn’t preach. I can’t really imagine her doing that….well yes I can. She’s pretty opinionated..lol I am pretty stubborn though, I don’t like being pushed into a corner and I have always been one to stand by what I think and feel. And I do not think I feel like believing in a being I cant see, touch, or feel (emotionally, physically or otherwise.)

I remember going to Oklahoma (when we still lived in So. Cal) to visit my grandparents who moved there to start a small church in an even smaller town. I could listen to my grandfather preach, and although he was a phenomenal speaker, I never felt anything. I was even young enough to make an impression, maybe 7? 8? You could tell a kid that age to believe in anything and they will. No matter how convincing he sounded (and he was very convincing) I just couldn’t bring myself to feel "The Holy Spirit." People would speak in Tongues and I would try to stifle my laughter because I thought they sounded ridiculous, people would throw their hands up in praise during songs and I wondered why they just didn’t put their arm down, you know it was tired! I felt nothing. Then once, after moving back to Missouri and my grandparents followed, they insisted I go to church with them at least once a month and the preacher mentioned doing an alter call and I remember thinking throughout the whole service "Oh please Grandpa, don’t make me go down. Please don’t make me go down. I don’t want to go down." and the anxiety just got worse. Sure enough when it was time for the alter call and receiving Jesus time my grandpa made a big deal and forced me to go down. So I stood there, watching the people cry and pray and take oil and blah blah blah…I thought, "this is crazy. Absolutely nuts. I feel NOTHING. Not even a spark or an urge to believe anything other than this is complete bullshit."

People say that believing is just having faith in a higher power other than yourself. That God has reasons for everything and he helps you make life choices and once you really receive him into your heart he’ll start to work miracles in your life. You know what? I believed in Santa and guess who was responsible for all the presents under my tree each year? A person. Not some magical man who makes little kid’s wishes come true. I can’t even have faith in some real life people. How can someone expect me to in something I can’t even prove is there? lol. I dunno how else to explain why I don’t feel or believe like those who do. I just don’t.

Okay I didn’t mean for this to turn into a whole anti-God blog, but there you have it anyway, haha. I am gunna go take that shower now and get in bed and make nice with the tv. We get a trial version of Investigative Discovery and I love, LOVE, LOVE the crime/murder cases. I will be a profiler on one of those shows someday watch. =)