Bah Humbug….I hope not in the end.

Well, here it is 2:40 am on Christmas morning and I got stuck with the graveyard shift. I don’t really mind though, it’s a nice change from my normal busy shift, and it allowed like three other people to spend the holiday with their family by me working it.

I wish I could say I was in the Christmas spirit this year, but to be honest I have been in the worst mood of my entire life and I can’t even point my finger at one thing. For one, I feel really bad because I LOVE Christmas. I really enjoy buying presents for people in my life, and finding the perfect gifts for their personality. I get to impatient and excited just waiting for the "day" I can give them their treasures. This year though, I am so incredibly broke that I was barely able to buy my mother gifts. She always makes Christmas such a big deal, they have always been extravagant. I know it isn’t about presents, but for me its about giving and I feel like a failure this year. I know I am not the only one having a rough time though, lots of people are in the very same boat I am.

I think part of my funk too is because Frank isn’t going to be coming to spend New Years with me. I know part of it is he doesn’t have much money either, and the other part is because my uncle is staying at my house and it’s just so cramped with three people already. To top it off my mom and uncle both smoke and Frank feels like he has to stay cooped up in my room because he doesn’t really like being around it. I can’t fault him for feeling uncomfortable about coming right now. I am not even content in my own home. I just feel like seeing him is the one good thing I have to look forward to. Now I don’t even have that.

         ***Regarding him:   I kind of got hurt by something he said. Let me start out by saying 1.) it is obviously I am a little over emotional for some crazy reason and react illogically to certain situations and 2.) I am fully aware that what I am about to share makes me seem a tad…ok a lot selfish and childish. None-the-less they are my feelings and I can’t help that they got hurt. –Anyway. So Frank has been sharing thoughts and memories and concerns and just, generally, everything about his daughter with me. Which is FANTASTIC. I really appreciate that he feels comfortable opening up to me about her, and he does it more every day and it warms my heart more than anything to see his adoration of his daughter. So a few nights ago, he had received a Christmas card from her for the first time and he was so proud and touched he just HAD to share what she said. What he liked most was how she signed her name. "Love, ____________ (known as princess)" He thought that was the cutest thing in the world because that’s what he calls her. I guess I would have thought it was cute as well if that hadn’t been MY nickname for the past 8 years. I am not jealous of her or anything, I am not trying to imply that. What hurt me was that he calls me that name in such special times you know? Like he knew when to say it to really make me feel all warm and loved inside. I never had like a pet name growing up, so it was special to me. I know if I were his daughter, and say we were somewhere all together, and I heard my dad use MY petname on HIS girlfriend, I would feel…betrayed? Or not special, you know? But that’s how it made me feel.

                I guess I could look at it like he thinks of us both as special, and we’re both his princesses. But part of me doesn’t want to be associated with an 11 year old. Does that make sense? Almost like it….patronizes me too. Like he thinks of me as a little girl. That’s just sick, lol. For some reason or other though, it really hurt my feelings. As soon as he told me what she wrote I asked,

"You call her that?"
and he said. "Don’t be jealous. You’re both my princesses!"      "or maybe now you’re at Queen status."
I couldn’t let that go without stating the obvious though. "Queens are married to Kings. I’m no Queen."

           I don’t want to come across of jealous of his daughter, and her place in his life. I am definately not that. I don’t mean to come accross as childish either by saying the thought of him calling me that now is meaningless. But it does. Shrug. I think it would to her too if she found out she had to share such a special thing between her and her dad with someone else. Of course I will probably never tell him how it made me feel because I don’t think he does it because he’s lazy or anything. He probably does consider us both very special and that’s his way of expressing it. Maybe I am actually just a crazy, selfish thinking girl..lol.  I dunno, just for some reason when he said it, it really just hit me in a bad way ….and my feelings got really hurt.

But I digress. My mom informed me yesterday that a couple of nights ago my uncle had been drinking (surprise surprise) and had passed out on the couch while they watched TV, and since she was bored with what he had chosen she decided to change the channel while he slept. Sooooooooooooo he wakes up about 30 minutes later and completely flies off the handle and starts yelling at my mom in a really abusive manner. She said she stood up to him and yelled back, but I know my mom’s tone and she isn’t really intimidating. This isn’t the first time he’s done this since being here, and each time after he sobers up he begs my mom not to tell anyone (especially me.) I will keep my mom’s confidence as far as he is concerned but I think he knows better than to get that way with me around because he knows in someways I am tougher than my mom and will just tell him to get the hell out of our house. It’s so strange, I am probably the LEAST combative person in the whole world. The only time I have guts to stand up for myself is when I think things in my head or write about how I feel in here. I never, if ever, really come back at a person who causes me distress. I usually just become even more introverted than I already am and seek solitude until my anger or something has passed. With him though, I am different, and I think it’s because I can sense threat. I know his personality, and what he means, and how he thinks and acts and I know that being my usual self will feed him. Make him feel more powerful and dominating. If that makes sense.

I also know how my mom is and she will take the abuse as long as it’s directed towards her. I stand up to him, and let him no I wont tolerate his BS. So he doesn’t verbally bash or abuse me like he does my mom. I think I am extra sensitive to this situation right now because 1.) my dad was thrown out of our home for being a drunk and for becoming verbally abusive. His entire family and childhood was one big social worker’s nightmare. So my mom got rid of the bad you know? She took her daughter and tried to raise her in the most loving and safe atmosephere she could, and sheltered her from diseased people like that. I knew growing up why she didn’t really encourage contact with my dad or his side of the family. She didn’t…discourage, or keep me, but she never went out of her way to let me be part of their lives either. And then later she and I moved from California with two of her friends, and he changed, and I would watch him yell at my mom and say the most horrible things and she would feel so bad….he would say them to me and I couldn’t do anything because I was just a teenager. I swore after leaving that home I would never, ever let a man talk to me that way or treat me like he did my mom and myself.

I don’t like all this drama in my home. My mom and I didn’t fight. I may get upset with her laziness and gripe about her personality flaws but we get along pretty well. We know how to handle each other and we do okay. It just feels like there is this….dark "entity" in our home and its causing me to feel anxious and nervous and angry and depressed and defensive. I have been in a fight with my mom on several occasions that causes me to just walk out of my house without talking to her or letting her talk to me and I hate it. I don’t like what his being there makes me feel like inside. It scares me. Like I may be just like him.

I am looking forward to leaving for Indiana on Saturday when I wake up from my graveyard shift. I am spending a whole week there with Rachel and her hubby (Tommy, who btw is an absolute gem of a guy. I did a great job playing matchmaker, lol.) They have a nice big home, and they both work during the day so I will have the space to myself with the exception of their Alaskan Huskey, Hester. (The most well behaved dog I have ever met…and so loving.) Rach just found out last weekend they were pregnant. YAY…I was the first person to know even though I wasn’t supposed to find out until X–mas Eve when they made it the big reveal to everyone. Tommy wasn’t mad though, he knows how close we are. She’d definately be the first person I would tell if I got pregnant. There would be no way I couldn’t NOT tell her. So anyway, my Godmother sent me a Barnes and Noble gift card so I am gunna buy a couple big books, take some shows Frank downloaded for me while he was here and spend the whole week being incredibly lazy while they work…lol I think the solitude will be nice during the day, and it will be nice to have more bonding time with Rach….we can talk BABY!  That girl has it all, a great career, a husband, now a baby, and she graduates in May. If only I were so lucky.   If only I were a queen. =)

Despite my angst and dark moods….I hope you guys have an absolutely wonderful Merry Christmas. I hope you feel the excitement and warmth that comes from having everyone you love around you and that good times are had. I am going to do my very best to allow those things into my day….

      Merry Christmas to all…..and to all… A Good night.