I’m your #1…well…someone’s girl I guess..

Oh boy have I neglecated my OD so badly. The truth is I can barely find the time to get on here and write, and any time I do have I don’t feel like thinking enough to write in here. You would think it would be my escape but rehashing what’s always going on inside my little mind actually makes it more of a chore. I do miss it though.

School is out for the summer so now I just have work to occupy my time. So hopefully I’ll have some more spare time to get back into the swing of OD, that’d be nice.    I have found a new love that surprises even myself. I have really taken to gardening. Sounds old doesn’t it?   Lol.   Well I did a little bit last year and learned some things about plants, when to water them, how to handle them, and so on. This year I have taken it a step farther and have planted FOOD. I have planted TWO tomato plants, THREE (red, yellow and green) bell pepper plants, and cucumbers. I have watched them grow now for the past four weeks or so and I get very excited when I see changes towards it producing something I will eventually have on my dining room table. I call them my "babies." ha ha. I water, feed, and even talk to them so they feel encouraged to grow and be prosperous! I know that sounds rediculous, but it really fills some kind of void I seem to need filling right now. I feel very alone lately, more so than usual. So in the meantime my little plants keep me company and have given me something to look forward to!

Last weekend I went out with a friend and we kinda splurged a little. She was wanting to get a piercing, she got one and me who didn’t want any left with TWO. Had I stayed in the tattoo parlor any longer I would have wound up with more body art, ha ha.  I got my belly button pierced, and the little flap on the inside of your ear, I think it’s called the Targus or something, I don’t know. I told Frank about it and surprisingly he didn’t say anything bad about it, but did get into a little psychological debate about my reasoning behind the piercings. I can’t deny that he isn’t right, ultimately in the end I agree with him.   He thinks the whole thing was sexual. Especially for the belly button piercing. They have you undo your pants, they lay you back, and then begin poking you. lol. The act of it also being a bit painful (which he compared to losing your virginity) and the person touches you in an "intimate" area. I told him if he took care of me like he was supposed to I wouldn’t be paying tattoo shops to be doing his job then! Haha. Maybe not the most mature way to end the conversation but I think it got my point accross. It’s getting close for us to have a visit, and he’s been spending money like crazy, so now he can’t afford to visit…and we’re back to the age old problem of him avoiding me because he feels bad and wont talk about plans. SIGH….I love this dummy very much…but sometimes I feel like I get the short end of the stick….All my friends seem to be happily in-love…get to spend their days with that special someone…and I feel like I am having to work so hard to even get three days of that kind of bliss….I guess I am starting to get a bit resentful and bitter…I dunno…

On top of it all money is SO tight right now. Between my mom and I, our bills take all our money and we can barely afford to feed ourselves. Right now in our fridge we have 1 gallon of ice tea, little butter packets I snagged from work, and a bottle of italin dressing. In our cubbards we have like 3 boxes of Jiffy corn bread mix.  It’s pretty depressing. Not that either one of us would waste away to nothing any time soon, but just knowing that we barely have freakin’ butter in our fridge is a bit disturbing. I am not quite sure what we’re going to do about it.   I just don’t know….

Frank’s friend was arrested some days ago, and all they got stuck with is a fine. This person is also nearly 70 grand in credit card debt. So they want to meet up with Frank tomorow to talk about setting up a donation to help pay for their fine so they don’t get sent to prison. Guess who plans on donating??  Meanwhile I feel like a damn charity case for asking my own bf to donate money to ME so I can buy some food for my fridge. I don’t ask him though, I don’t want to put him in a corner, or mooch of him or have him thinking it’s not big deal for me to ask him for money when I need it. He knows I’m struggling….Sigh..and yet he’s giving money to this friend who has fucked up their life on their own..to help ’em out of a jam….   Is it wrong for me to be a little bitter about this? Especially since my pride keeps me from asking for a little help?? I dunno….And NOW, because he’s going to give this friend some money, it will mean even less for him to have to visit me. Which still kinda hurts my feelings….You know if this friend of his did stuff for him, helped him out, gave him money when he was short, and put him before themselves, then I could understand him feeling the need to be cheritable in return. I even respect that he’s a good friend trying to help them out. But this person has done SHIT for him in return in the past. I can’t even count on one hand how many times he’s helped this friend out…..So yes…I feel very low on the fucking totum pole lately….My b-day even passed and you know what I got? to hear him talk about his new PS3 and all the stuff to go with it….oh, and a happy birthday text message…  Nice huh?   He says he’s giving me a present when we meet next…but considering thats not happening any time soon I can pretty much rule that out….

Maybe that’s why I have taken to my garden so much….I give my plants water and attention and they give me growth and evidence of my attention and care. Hopefully those tomatoes will sprout soon…could sure use ’em..lol

I know all couples go through bouts where they take eachother for granted…and maybe I am just being greedy…I probably am….Maybe I am just going through Frank withdrawl so I am just generally unhappy with everything…who the hell knows….I just feel like I haven’t felt like #1 in a long time ya know???? Isn’t that silly? Not even my best friend wished me a happy birthday….well..thats ok….I am feeling spiteful and today I didnt wish her one either….=)

btw, dont leave belated happy bday comments..lol..thats not what I was hinting at…the point is much bigger…