The Uncut/Unrated Version

       I guess it’s time to update this thing.  I’m at work right now, in the office, on the computer I share with my asshole of a boss. I know there’s a million other things I could be doing right now to make sure his motel continue to run smoothly, but I don’t give a shit. I am beyond caring. My 90 day "probation" came around August 14th, and he was supposed to increase my salary by $100.00 per week and when I cornered him on it, he wouldn’t answer me if I was going to recieve that "raise" or not. Finally at the end of the day I asked him point blank if I was getting the increse in my salary or not.

The bastard said no. "You haven’t made me money Hanna. You just cost me money. You don’t desereve a raise."

At this point my mouth has this dying urge to gape open in total disblief. "WHAT?"

So in a cool, calm voice I said, "Funny Ish, you haven’t made ME any money EITHER. So thats a no to the raise?" he nodded. "Very well, thats all I needed to know." and walked out of the room. I know he’s wondering what I am about to do next, but I haven’t mentioned the raise to him since then. I am not going to either. A large part of me was extremely relieved. I feel like since he didn’t keep his word, then I don’t have to stay on if I don’t want to. He negated our agreement when he said no to the raise. But then at the same time I am really angry, REALLY angry and hurt that he doesn’t appreciate or value me for all the hard hours I have put in here. For all the loyalty and dedication I have provided this company. I gave up my life for this stupid place you know? And I cost him money.

Last week his stupid wife actually ACCUSED me of going into our management system and adjusting figures, which was costing them to have to shell out more money to the franchise. Then proceeded to take out the deposit book and check it with the computer print outs. Which she could go right ahead because I’m not no damn theif. Then she brought in Lee, sat her at MY DESK, in MY CHAIR and had her check every single document since I started. And Lee found no fault with anything, she couldn’t understand what the deal was. I also over heard Ish and Damina telling Lee they would give her her old salary, and if she’d move to cape they’d pay her rent and utilities, just if she’d come back to being the manager. What the fuck? So not only do I not deserve a raise, but they’re going to accuse me of theft and then go behind my back and stab it repeatedly?

I swear if I didn’t have bills to pay I would get right up and just leave this place. Unattended too. I don’t even care anymore. I want out. I don’t care if I have to fuckin’ bus tables, I am not staying here a second longer than I have to. What did I ever do to these people? I don’t understand, I give and give, and fucking give and they keep taking right up until the point they’ve screwed me so hard I am just left to fucking die.

I’m so angry. Violently angry. I want to cry and scream and hit something. Not that it would fix anything. Not that it would make anything even remotely better. I know it wont, but I am so hurt, and angry, and feeling pretty damn unwanted and unspecial. I don’t want anyone telling me i’m "special" either. I want some one to fucking prove it.

And they haven’t yet.

He hasn’t…the one person who should…backed out of coming this weekend. Man that made my week. As if I am not angry and hurt already. Now it’s directed at him. And I truely feel let down.

I really want to just walk out on my life. I hate that my responsibilities keep me here. I can’t afford to just quit, I have to have the income…I wish I didn’t.