I’m More Than Just A Girl With A Car

 

            I guess it has been a while since I updated last. I have kind of felt like writing but any time I’d sit down to do it I realize I really don’t feel like it. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and lately I feel like my whole world is upside down and shaking. I keep waiting for it to stop so things can settle at the bottom and I can figure out a way to make everything right again. It seems like an impossible task though.

 

            After New Orleans work became crazier. For the first time in my entire life I did not answer the phone when they called telling me I had to come into work on my day off. For the first time I didn’t call them back. All night I let Lee and Ish and the other employees sweat it out, wondering why Hanna wasn’t answering her phone. All night I was both proud of myself for standing my ground, yet feeling guilty because not once in my entire life have I been undependable. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I couldn’t sit still all night. The next morning before classes Lee called me and said she needed me to work that night too, I said I would, even though it was my day off. However when I went into work I told her how tired I was of this place and all the drama this job comes with, that I am looking for another job, but not to worry I’d give two weeks notice. I guess I scared her pretty bad because the next day she spoke to Ish and I got a 50 cent raise. You know what though? I am not even grateful for that. I want more. I deserve more. .50 cents isn’t going to appease me, make me shut up for a little while. Really, that’s all they’re doing. After classes let out for summer, I plan on looking for another job. I don’t want to worry about bills, and how to do another job on top of the end of spring semester. I have enough on my plate to worry about for right now with school.

 

            I’ve also come to the conclusion that my moving to NY probably isn’t going to happen. At least not any time soon, and that kills me. I feel like all I can do is stare out the window and wish I was any place else but here, but here I remain. And will until I can find a way out. I realize that there is no way I can go to NY and find a job and a place to live. Well, I could probably find a job, but a place to live wouldn’t be that easy. I don’t even have enough saved up for first and last months rent, so I couldn’t even get started that way. My only option would be to take out a loan, and that isn’t an appealing option. I don’t want to owe anyone any more money than I have to. I also spoke with Frank and the idea of us bunking together isn’t going to happen either. I talked to him about it and it seemed like the very idea made him run away and hide. That bother’s me a little. A lot. I asked him if he wanted me to move to New York and all he could say was he’d feel bad if he couldn’t keep me “safe and happy.”

“But that’s not what I asked.”

“Is it a wrong answer?” he replied.

“No, I’m not asking for you to keep me safe and happy. But if that’s going to be your only answer then I take it as you don’t want me there.”

 

For the life of me I cannot understand why he wouldn’t want that as much as I do? We’ve had a long distance relationship for years now, isn’t it time to bring us closer together? After that conversation I told myself that I wasn’t even going to entertain the thought of us living in the same city any longer. My moving to NY will be solely for me and will have nothing to do with him. I wasn’t asking him to pay my bills you know? I don’t need anyone to support me. I don’t WANT anyone to support me. I can’t help but feel a litter bitter towards him now.

 

            When I arrived in New Orleans he took me to the front desk so that I could give them my car information for parking, and he introduced me, as “here’s my friend with the car.” Ouch. We’re together for 5 years and it boils down to me being his friend with the car. I was hurt, but did my best to over look it because I love him and I didn’t want to blow something out of proportion that probably didn’t mean anything at all. I know he loves me too, the whole time in New Orleans when we were together he was so loving and tender and giving. I had nothing to complain about. But it confuses me even more. Also we had a conversation and marriage came up, turns out he hates the idea, or is scared of it or whatever. That bothers me a little. It’s not that I want to be married right now, because I am not in any rush. But the idea of spending the rest of my life with him appeals to me you know? Like I want to be married to him some day. So now I have to wonder where our relationship is going to go? I don’t know that I can be content to just be his “friend with the car” for forever. Maybe he’ll change his mind later down the road?

 

            All these months I have been saying I wanted to go to his graduation but not once has he expressed interest in my going. He doesn’t even bring it up, and when I do he changes the topic. Maybe he just doesn’t like having attention doted on him, but it feels like to me he doesn’t want me there. With his parents there he can’t introduce me as his friend with the car right? I’ve never even met a single friend of his. I just feel like this huge secret. I’m tired of being kept in the shadows you know? I want to be recognized for who I am. I am Hanna, Frank’s girlfriend. But more than anything I want him to WANT me to be recognized for that you know?

 

            I just don’t get it. When we’re together and alone he’s so affectionate with me.  Like the morning I had to leave at five am. The alarm went off at 4:30 and I reached across the big bed to shut it up and he just stroked my back in the softest way. It felt like he was sa

ying he was going to miss my skin, the feel of it against his.  One night out of the blue at Club Razoo he looked at me and told me he loved me. Melted my heart right there at the bar. “You know I love you right?” he said. “Of course, I know you do. I love you too.” It was the first time I’d heard it in a year. I felt his love every night when he’d cuddle up to me in the middle of the night, or that morning he stroked my back as I struggled to silence the alarm clock. So I know he cares, he shows it in so many ways, but only when we’re together. Am I selfish in wanting more? I don’t doubt his love for me, he’s shown it in so many other ways.  But just like how he was upset I lied to my job about where I was going, I had to hide it, I am upset he keeps me away from his social life you know? He says I am so important to him, but he doesn’t show me off or anything. It’s…I feel like a secret.

 

            I still want to move to NY more than anything. I’d want it even if there was no Frank. The idea of being stuck here in the boot-heel of Missouri terrifies me and saddens me to no end. I don’t want there to be this is all there is. Just thinking about it feels like some one has sucked all the oxygen from my body. I feel dead and trapped. I feel useless, and hopeless. I don’t want to be stuck here and some one throws away the key.  I’ve decided I am probably not moving to NY this summer. I can’t find a logical solution as to how I will. I don’t know how I ever thought I would. I’ve also decided I might as well sign up for fall classes here this way I don’t take the chance of losing a semester and getting behind. In the mean time maybe I can figure out how to get enough money to get out of here. Because I have to. This isn’t where I belong.

 

And if my future involves Frank then that’s a great blessing, but I have to worry about me, and take care of me first. However….I refuse to be a “friend with the car” though. I’m going to continue to love him, and care about him, and desire him, until whatever happens, happens. If and when he wants me to be more…. hopefully I’ll still be around for him you know? I’d like to be, but I can’t make any guarantees I’ll be O.K. with the arrangement forever. At this time in my life, I don’t know what else I can do.