Intentions. Like Them, Or Don’t. I Don’t Care

            The high of my vacation is beginning to wear out. My cold is still lingering, refusing to go away no matter how much vitamin C I ingest, or how much Robitussen I take, it’s still there. I can’t wait to actually breath again. I imagine it must be pretty nice. School starts up on the 16th. I am ready for classes in a way. But I am not ready to give up my sleeping in late. I tried to pick later morning classes, but the spring class schedules were pretty lame, so I had to take what I could get.

            I have been thinking a lot about this summer. “The Big Move.” I get really excited when thinking about it too. Like, I just can’t sit still thinking about it. I want to begin packing already. But despite all my excitement, everyone keeps putting it down. Keep telling me all these negative things, even Frank, and it has me questioning my plans, my life, my future. Ish and his wife seem to think I wont last. They keep reminding me that 6 months to a year I will be back wanting my old job back. A regular at the hotel here thinks I am making a huge mistake by not waiting to finish school here before I move. Even Frank thinks I am sidestepping, or back tracking, my education by moving to NY prematurely.

            I found a community college that is fairly reasonable, and even is known for their Criminal Justice program. I got to thinking if I did have to make up courses because they wouldn’t transfer from Semo, then it would be cheaper to do it at the community college level than double the price at the university level. I could either finish out my bachelors at Cuny (Community University of NY) and go on to a university for my masters, or I could go to Cuny while I establish residency in NY then within 6 months I could transfer (hopefully) to a University in NYC. I also considered the fact that by majoring in Criminal Justice, if I stay in Missouri to finish out my bachelors, I will be learning Missouri Law (Along with federal). But when I move to NY, Missouri law will do me no good, and I will have to go back and learn NY law. So, I see the benefit of staying in Missouri and just finishing out my bachelor degree here, but I still have a year and a half left.

1.      I am tired of living here. Other than my mom, I have no life here.

2.      I am tired of long distance relationships. I am ready to live closer to Frank.

3.      I am happier in NY. I feel at home there, like it’s where I belong. I don’t belong in Missouri.

So if I understand I might have to do some extra work in my college career because I

made the choice to move to NY, and I am willing to accept that, and do it, then I don’t understand why everyone keeps shooting down my dreams. It’s night like I am making all these plans and not taking everything into consideration because I AM. I have had 2 ½ years or more to think about it. To figure out how I want to do it. And for 2 ½ years the only thing I can think about is just busting my ass and moving to NY. I should be where I am happy. I put no effort into school here. I am tired of my job, and the manager who is in charge. I am tired of just biding my time. I don’t understand why everyone just insists of telling me how hard it is going to be. Why they think I am making a mistake by moving. I am not stupid. I feel like they are giving me ZERO credit for thinking.

I think most of all; the one that bothers me the most is Frank. He graduates Oxford in May, and will be moving BACK to NY. He doesn’t plan on going for his masters right away; he wants to see what happens with his job. If the company decides to sell and give him a huge (and I mean HUGE) bonus/severance pay, and then go on to college, or what. I can’t understand why he just can’t show excitement about me moving there. Instead he just finds reasons why it may not be a good idea? I know it’s just his nature to be practical, and it’s probably just the case that I am taking it too personal. But I have already considered the things he’s told me. New York is expensive, you’re already invested in college here (Missouri), where will you work, where will you live, what will you do….

I have moved a hundred times in my life. And you know every time we’ve moved, something has ALWAYS worked out so that we had food on our table, a roof over our head? We just have take things as they come and deal with them on those basis you know? And if for 21 years I can live like that, I am sure I can manage a move to NY. It might be …or will be a little harder, yes, I understand that. But I am 21, and willing to take the risk. To find out for myself, to be out on my own.

My mom has been the only one who hasn’t discouraged me about my plans. She doesn’t want me to move, yes. I know it’s killing her that I will be so far away from her. That part really kills me too. But she believes in

dreams, and going after them with everything you’ve got. Even when I find myself starting to doubt myself, she tells me to stop, and that things will work themselves out. If it is meant for me to move there, doorways will open up for me. She doesn’t think it wont be hard, or tough to do, but she at least believes in me and knows I’ll make it. I can’t understand why everyone can’t be that way?

I am not going there with the intentions of living with Frank and splitting bills. I fully intend on going there with the notion I will be on my own. Supporting myself. I’ve even considered making Jen move to NY and we could get an apartment together, ha ha. I know she pays her bills first and plays later! (Like me! Well, but she probably plays more than I do, lol.) When Ish’s wife, Damina told me that within 6 months to a year I’d be back in Missouri, my mom looked at her and said, “Nope, Damina she wont. She’ll make it there. Even if it kills her, she wont come back. She’ll make it work.” Damina shut up pretty fast. I felt so proud of my mom, ha ha. It’s nice to know I have some one rooting for me you know?

I didn’t intend for this to be such a long, whiney entrance. But it is an issue weighing heavily on my mind. Especially with this year already here, and before I know it, summer will be here, and it will be time to start figuring it all out. It’s not, “I am moving next year” anymore. Now it’s, “I am moving in several months….” It’s both very scary and very exciting for me. And that’s how it should be. I am moving to NY, despite what anyone says. And I am going to make it in NY. And I am going to be so damn happy in NY. People will have to eat their words. Or do whatever they have to with all the negative comments and vibes they sent my way. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. I have never asked anyone for anything, but all I am asking now is for encouragement and faith in Hanna. That’s all. Because with or without it, I am going. Yes, I am definitely going.