The Letter

      My guess is I should have kept my big mouth shut yesterday. Instead, I gloated about how nothing could possibly ruin my happiness about my up coming trip. The only thing would be if it got cancled or I got hit by a bus.  I have been so over excited and annoying.  

      Well, last night when I got in home from work I checked the mail, and all that lay inside was a single envelope with my name on it, from the health clinic I visit for my yearly "exams" and birth control pills. I had my annual pap on November 5th. My first thought was, "why a letter?" Then I remembered the words the gyno/RN always told me when the exam would end, "remember, no news is good news. We’ll send a letter if anything is found." I tore open that envelope, and sure enough it told me to contact the clinic asap and ask for the doctor or one of her nurses. So instantly I started thinking of everything they check for or could find in a paps and none of it was good. I wanted to call them right then, at midnight, and know what it was. How was I supposed to sleep?  Mom kept telling me maybe you just have an infection, nothing serious.

      The clinic opens at 8am, so I called at 8:05 and asked to speak to a nurse. Finally she gets my file and tells me a whole bunch of medical terms, and I ask her what I have and to tell me in normal people’s terms, and she told me, "They found an abnormal cluster of cells and it’s called Dysplasia."  I asked her questions but she wouldn’t answer any of them. Wouldn’t tell me how big the cluster was, how high the levels were, or how common. All she kept saying is I’d have to come in as soon as I could, and talk about it then.  Screw that, I went online and looked it up. I am not waiting all weekend wondering what the hell dysplasia is.

Dysplasia (from ‘bad form’, in greek) is an abnormality in the appearance of cells indicative of an early step towards transformation into a neoplasia. It is therefore a pre-neoplastic or pre-cancerous change. This abnormal growth is restricted to the epithelial layer, not invading into the deeper tissue. Though dysplasia may regress spontaneously, persistent lesions must be removed, either with surgery, chemical burning, heat burning, burning with laser, or freezing (cryotherapy).

The best known form of dysplasia is the precursor lesions to cervical cancer, called cervical intraepithelial neoplasia (CIN). This lesion is usually caused by an infection with the human papilloma virus (HPV). Dysplasia of the cervix is almost always unsuspected by the woman. It is usually discovered by a screening test, the pap smear. The purpose of this test is to diagnose the disease early, while it is still in the dysplasia phase and easy to cure.

**** Here are some links that show some pictures, and gives more info…..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysplasia

http://www.womenshealthchannel.com/cervicaldysplasia/index.shtml

http://www.gynalternatives.com/cervical.htm

     I have tried to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing. The test will be rerun and may not turn up anything this time. A couple of the websites above say the mild/moderate cases tend to heal themselves 70% of the time. But that still leaves a 30% chance and I am not comfortable with that.  Pre-cancer anything is scary to me. I mean I am sure it isn’t at the cancer stage but it could be. I mean that’s what it is.

    I have cried some.  I am sure it’s just because of all the worry I had last night, wondering what could have possibly been the problem. I didn’t sleep much either. So I am pretty sure I am just tired and over emotional about the whole thing because I don’t know what stage it’s in. (Mild, Moderate or Severe)

    She said a gyno will have to do a colscopy (look at me with a big magnifying glass basically) and determine if I have it. If I do, then they’ll have to take measures to remove it. (Freezing, burning, and some other methods.) I have known people to have cervical cancer, mass in their uterus, cysts…and I considered myself lucky because I thought it wouldn’t happen to me. I won’t feel better until I know it’s healed, or gone, or removed, or what ever.

    I was pretty worried about telling Frank. I know it isn’t something I did to cause this. It didn’t come from an STD (unless he had HPV before he met me, which is what he thinks happen since it is in 99% of people and it goes undetected., but I still feel dirty because it’s there, in me, and I can’t get rid of it right this second you know? It’s not natural, and I know it. I was worried it would gross him out, make him think I was dirty, or that something was wrong with me. But I also wanted to tell him. I wanted to be honest with him now, because if I have to explain it later, he’ll be mad I didn’t confide in him when I knew right away….But I told him…After four years I had to trust him that he wouldn’t be shallow about it or something.
 
      And he wasn’t. He looked it up immediately lol. And he was so …just good about it. If he was weirded out he didn’t show it. I think he’s more worried than he lets on. And he definately wants to see what happens after the next test.  I should have known better.  But guys are so funny that way you know? But every time something happens, and he is supportive about it, I realize I am pretty lucky.

    Other than the websites information, I don’t have much more to offer until I go on Monday and speak with the nurse in person and see the results and have them explained. I know everyone has dormat cancer cells in their body, but obviously some in mine have been triggered and can turn into it, and that is scarey for me. I am sure we’ll get it in enough time, but ….well….it all feels so unreal to me. Scarey, unreal, and I am trying to be optimistic. I keep hoping their test was wrong, or something. I guess I’ll find out more later.