Time Is All I Have

            It’s a boring night at work. I have rented all the rooms, so the only thing left for me to do is to turn people away and answer the phones. Pretty exciting huh? I thought maybe Frank would keep me company this weekend but I guess that was just wishful thinking. I am happy he likes his new job. I know he definitely likes the money it pays. But between school and this job there is never any time left for me. I am lucky to get five minutes (if that) of conversation before he says, “baby I am beat. I am gunna go to bed. Kiss kiss.” I am getting tired of hearing that. –sigh—

            I am doing my best to be understanding of his situation. Especially since it has only been a month since he started the job along with having classes. At least when I have no friends to communicate with I had him you know? But now I don’t even have that. All my friends have found boyfriends or girlfriends and put all their time into them. Which is fine, if that’s what makes them happy. But it just feels like I am so alone. The only people I ever talk to are the customers, and it’s usually me just getting their information before giving them their key.

            But it’s more then that. It’s more than missing socialization with people, it’s missing Frank. I didn’t realize until recently just how spoiled I was with the attention and time I had before he started this new job. When he did start this new job the one thing I took comfort in was knowing he’d be doing it from his dorm and could talk to me online when he did the work. But it isn’t working out that way at all. I don’t get to hear from him until he’s done for the day and ready to call it a night. So this weekend he said he planned on being lazy, and said he’d keep me company while I worked or whatever, and since last night I have maybe had 15 minutes TOTAL in conversation. And most of it about the new coat he bought himself for fall.

            I haven’t told him how lonely I feel with him being so wrapped up in work and school. I don’t want him feeling guilty for being so busy that he’s neglecting me, but I also don’t want him to think I can’t handle him having a job that takes up so much of his time you know? I want him to feel glad that he has some one so patient and understanding of his work. It also seems that the times he has the most time to chat is when he doesn’t know what I am up to. Like if I am not online or something he’ll call and see what I am doing or where I am. So to get attention I have to act like I don’t need it, lol. Does that make any sense? When I am craving the attention, he doesn’t have time to provide it.

            I know if I lived around him or with him, and we saw each other all the time, we’d probably welcome our separate lives (a.k.a. Jobs) you know? But I don’t get to see him daily, kiss him goodnight before we fall asleep. So I live for the time we share just talking online to make up for what we don’t have right now; that physical closeness. Just knowing each other is there, you know?

            I know he cares about me, and still loves me. I am not insecure there. I am also sure he probably already feels bad for always being so busy. He doesn’t say it but I know him well enough to know  it probably weighs on his mind too. But it doesn’t stop me from missing him either, and from saying things to make him feel bad so he’ll stick around longer. Which I know is wrong of me, but I can’t help myself from doing it. Before he was the only person who didn’t brush me aside because some one else came along. He was still there, and I came to rely on him for that. Too much, probably. That now I don’t know how to handle being conversation-less.

            I thought about just putting my energy into something else. Maybe if I found something else to occupy my mind I wouldn’t miss him so much and rely on him so much for entertainment. But how do you change 4 years of just that? –lol—So…that’s pretty much what it boils down to. Maybe if he sees me busy doing other things he’ll miss me enough to set aside more time for us. It is hard enough making a long distance relationship work as it is, but only have 5 minutes of conversation here and there really puts a strain on things. Sometimes it even feels unbearable. I will be glad when classes end and all he’ll have is work and time. I hope.  Maybe he’ll make up for it when we get to see each other over break too. Who knows?  If I can hold out until then, I guess we’ll see.