So Here It Is.

    Guess my last few entries have been less than exciting, lol. Nothing much has changed. I am still feeling a little blah, but I am sure it will pass, it usually does. As for the whole, insecurity thing, well that’s nothing new, but I am feeling a bit better about it. I have come to the conclusion that I compare myself to others too much, and when I don’t measure up then I start downing myself. I have to teach myself to move past that trait and accept and like who I am truely, not just say I do. I can say all I want, but actually doing it is another thing entirely. I thought about just keeping quiet about my insecurities, yes a little afraid some one might roll their eyes, make a stupid comment..something to make me regret confessing…but…I can always delete those comments…lol

 So here are the things that was bringing me down. I will do my best to explain myself and each insecurities as best as I can to make them as clear and well thought out and approached.

1.) Okay, I know this first one is childish. I admit my succubming to my childishness is childish..lol..but they are (like Sneope said; still my feelings.) But before I begin, keep in mind this isn’t the first time it’s happened to me, so really its a build up of it being a repeat offender in my life. So, for example. Robby (the former employee here at the hotel) and I had become pretty good friends. Aquatainces (spelling?) rather. We had even made plans to hang out (NOT a date) and have some fun one weekend with friends I guess. He bailed both times, but it’s cool, I didn’t expect him to REALLY follow through. But we added eachother to our myspaces and chatted and so forth, and then he introduces himself to a friend of mine and I am pretty much forgotten. No more responding to me or my comments or anything. Just my friend’s. Now, I know this sounds VERY 4th grade or whatever, but like I said, it happens a lot.

    I’m definately not mad at anyone except myself for even caring. It reminds me a lot of back in highschool, where I had a crush on this guy, and I wanted him to take me to prom, and he was a friend of another friend and he said he’d take me if I asked him to. (He was older and didn’t even go to my school.) So ME, I gathered up the guts (which took me some time) and asked if he’d escourt me to the prom. Keep in mind this guy was amazing to look at. He was artistic and funny and smart, and Irish. Long hair..everything. He was like…a touchable Johnny Depp..haha. No lie. And me, who was never noticed in HS, no guys ever talked to me, passed me notes..anything….I was so looking forward to showing up with this…God…and feeling like Sleeping Beauty or something..Prom night came, I was all dressed up…lots of money was spent…and it was time for him to come get me….and he never shows. Turns out he met this other girl earlier that day and didn’t find the need to tell me he wasn’t going to take me…So imagine my self esteem after that happened. I mean it was already low before, but now he just confirmed my worst fears about myself.

    It’s not that I had a crush on Robby, it was just that feeling of…..something better (friend wise) came along you know? And it’s not even that I am THAT mad at him. Well I know I am not. I know better than to let the status of myself on some one’s friends list to determine my worth….but I can’t help but feel…still not good enough.

This isn’t the only occasion.  I have ANOTHER guy friend, who I’ve known since before Frank who blows me off when Rachel comes along. He was supposed to hang out with both of us this past weekend, but when Rachel said she couldn’t meet up with us, he declined too. Sooooo…yeah, I definately know I shouldn’t compare myself to her, haha. And it’s not that I am so much, but I do wonder why my friendship is only good enough until some one "better" comes along? Or my time is only good enough until some one "better" comes along.

    I have an AMAZING boyfriend who I know loves me very much. And I also know he thinks the world of me, and if I wasn’t worth it, he would have been long gone by now. I consider myself very lucky. But I know part of me keeps waiting for him to turn out like the rest. For something or some one else to come along …..and I ask myself if I would even be as upset if it was for some one I didn’t know? Or if I am so upset because it is for some one I know. But it’s not just guys …I mean I went through this with Rachel before too….if you can remember my past entries. Of her never putting forth the effort, and me having to do it all. My dad did it when he left and had another kid, his only daughter was forgotten. My grandparents never took the effort to get to know me, their social life was more important….

   It’s just this, huge mountain of people in my life, throughout my life who have dissapeared because something new and shiney came around. And I feel like screaming, "it’s not real!!! It’s not what you think it is!!  I am real! I AM what you think it is…" Does that make sense? I know I have qualities that are good, and real, and I am proud of myself for being the kind of person I can admire. I can think of LOTS of good things about myself. And I am not saying that in a self absorbed way, I am saying I acknowledge I have these good qualities, and others take advantage of them. They don’t acknowledge them. Very few do anyway. I bet I can name 5 people. 

   But maybe that should be all I need. Maybe there is no need for anyone else you know? Maybe I should just shut up and be happy that those five people know I am alive. Appreciate that I am alive. And show me thats how they feel without me having to initiate things. Like I catch myself sending messages to Rachel, asking if she wants to do something and I stop myself. Because here I go again makin’ the effort. I delete the message and tell myself if SHE REALLY wants to make a friendship work, she’ll put for the effort. (It’s a lot easier to do now though, I confess. I don’t even find myself getting mad or hurt when she doesn’t make those efforts.)

    You know what’s sad? Is when Lee hire’s some one attractive to work the desk, like when she hired Sheffery I felt very threatened. When I work here, I am the one the customers see all the time. (We get a lot of male workers who stay here for days on end.) And they flirt with me, and compliment me. And in the back of my mind I know they’re just looking to get laid, they could care less who I was. But I like the attention. I never get it anywhere else, or when I am out with anyone else. I blame myself for having attractive friends, lol. But it boils down to, I don’t want to lose that attention of being desired, or liked above some one else. Because I know the other desk clerks don’t get the same treatment I do. Even with Ish I get worried he’ll like some one more than me. (He thinks of me like a daughter I mean.) I get pretty special treatment by him. I mean c’mon, he helped me move from Sikeston to here. What business owner/boss would do that you know? And because I get that here, I get petrified some one else is going to take it away from me. It’s crazy isn’t it? That I can be so shallow. I realize that about myself and I don’t like it, but at the same time I can’t help it. I notice I am even worse and more insecure when Frank is busy with work or something. I start to feel panicked. Not good enough. Like why can’t he take a break for five minutes and ask me how I’ve been? How’s my day been..SOMETHING….(he’s realy bad about remembering I am around lol but that’s a different rant for a different day.)

    By writing all of this, I am NOT looking for pitty comments. And if anyone feels the need to leave eye rolling comments you can just stop. I didn’t write this to get attention, but to just lay what I am feeling out to look at. For me to examine and grow from it. The more I release the more I find myself able to heal and move on. To see what in my life needs work. I really love OD for this. In a way it has been the best free therapy there is. I mean I could pay some one 400 dollars an hour to listen to this mess, or I could write it in here and post it for free. lol…

   Ohhh something on a different note that I don’t like about myself. Or started to do and caught myself. That first weekend when I went out with Rachel, and drank too much, I remember feeling very ….free and happy. So the next time we went out, I caught myself trying to get that same feeling, so I would go get more to drink. But then I realized that what I was doing was very very wrong. It wasn’t the drinking and having a good time was what was wrong, but more of my reason for doing it. I wasn’t drinking to be social, and I know that. I was doing it the second time to find that place where I was free and happy and not having to face these problems with myself. And at one point, I went into the bathroom and I was laughing….and while Rachel was going to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and thought…"wow….how ugly….." I realized my problem was still there…I quit drinking and sobered up pretty fast after that. lol. Anyway, before I turned out like my father or my uncle…I wanted to stop that habbit before it got started…thats for sure. I KNOW I am better than that, and by abdononing my morals, beliefs and self respect, I am turning into the people I have lost respect for. Just wanted to share that.