It Smells Like Fish—And Later, The Letter

…Crawfish. I made the mistake of telling a couple of people they could gladly use our dining area to eat the crawfish they brought from Louisiana for their children and grandchildren. Its not that the smell is overwhelming due to the fact I have been inside with it, but I imagine anyone walking in the front doors of our lobby would be so inclined to turn right back around and walk out. I like crawfish, but the persistant smell is making me feel a bit naucious. As soon as they’re done I am running to the dining area and opening the door to let it air out. I am dreading the thought of the owner walking in and telling them they have to leave, or he’d reprimand me for allowing them to eat it in there.  But they did come up to see their family for Easter, and I didn’t want to be the mean oger who said no they can’t eat their smelly crawfish inside! So I will just take the rap for the smell.

Frank and I have had some interesting conversations the past couple days or so. Asking questions that require REALLY honest answers. And I like that, because even if we don’t like the answers, it still feels like this bonding session. Like we’re still finding it fun to explore eachother.  Today we were talking about dead marriages, and unappealing couples who stay together for silly reasons.  He asked me if I would ever dump him if I was unhappy and I said I wasn’t sure. "…I wouldn’t right away, because a part of me would hope, pray and beg that things would go back to the way they were, to the happiness we had before. I would know we were capable of it."  Then he said, "I hate that you have such a poor self image of yourself when you shouldn’t. Would you stay with me out of fear of not being able to find some one else?"   Wow, now there’s a question. I got quiet, and thought about it for a moment and replied: " I wouldn’t want another boyfriend right away if we were to break up. I don’t believe my entire happiness should be defined by one man. However, yes because of myself imagie I would feel it unlikely that I would find some one else again."   Then I went and took a shower, and felt the need to add on to my answer. When I got out I told him, "I was not completely honest Frank. Yes my self image IS poor, but its not the thought of being alone I would be scared of, but rather the thought I may never find some one like you, or better." (I consider myself pretty lucky.)  And to be honest, that thought does scare me.

I have wondered many times what my life would be like without him part of it, or who I could see myself with if it wasn’t him. The thought that I wouldn’t find a guy as gentle, or loving, or passionate and giving as Frank worries me. I feel like I have found the best of the best. So many girls settle for a guy because it comofortable, because they’re not alone. Not many of us find the guy we read about in Romance novels or something.   Last night I had asked him if he ever found himself fantasizing about another girl. *(No this wasn’t a trick question, I was reading a man’s diary and it was about why men turn to porn, strippers and prostitutes, so it sparked my interest.) I think Frank thought it WAS a trick question, so I answered it for him, lol.

Most girls would be furious if they knew they’re man was thinking about another girl in "that way". I find it human nature, I would wonder about anyone who didn’t let their gaze drift….Frank asked if I looked at a guy and had ‘ideas’. "Yeah, sure, I start to. But then I start comparing them to you. They don’t carry themselves like Frank does, I bet they don’t kiss as well as Frank does, this guy looks like a taker more than a giver. Their hands are probably rough and greedy, and purely selfish….They don’t have Frank’s wit, and humor, and intelligence…." It always comes back to him. He just laughed, I know he thinks I sounded Cosmo silly, but I bet a 100 dollars it gave him a huge ego boost, lol.  "It is only human to look. It makes you a rat however if you act on it. " Just to let him know what would happen if he ever did!!!

**** The Letter.****

I mentioned before I had contacted woman I found online in hopes we might be related. I can’t remember if I mentioned that we are infact, related by marriage, her husband is my dad’s first cousin. She also gave me the name and number of her mother-in-law. My mom has more guts when it comes to approaching strangers, I am rather shy, so she called her. They talked, and the woman said she would certainly mail my mom any pictures and information she had on my dad’s linage. I really thought she would get busy and forget, and that would be the end, but today on my way out for work, I checked the mail, and there the bulky envelope sat.  There were pictures of my dad and his two triplet brothers, and my dad and one brother are actually identical twins, except my dad wore glasses, and thats how I was able to tell him apart in the pictures.

It was rather rough seeing that side of my father. The only time I can picture my father, he’s been drunk, and loud, and intolerable. But here he was a child, he had a whole life before the one I knew him in. And it made me sad. Despite my utmost effort, two tears still fell and I did the best I could to choke them back. It hits me at the oddest times, and I do my best not to let it get to me.  He didn’t try, he didn’t make an effort with me, why should I be sad? Why should he be worthy of my pain, hurt and tears? But at the same time I have this posessive feeling over the pictures, I don’t want to hand them over to my mom so she can finish her research, I don’t want her to have them. Isn’t that odd? The selfish/Hate feeling I have??? I don’t know how else to describe it. I feel rather foolish, like I am making something bigger than it is.   But had he known when he was a child that he would end his life, would he have still chosen not to be my father in person? Would he have chosen different life….decisions??? Of course there is no way to ever know that, so it is a pointless question, but one I keep asking over and over in my head.

Part of me wants to keep the smiling picture of my father in his thick black glasses, and keep it close, to protect him from all the bad things I know are coming in his life. My mom told me that when he was born, he had a hole in his heart, and his mom rather than taking care of him, just left him with her mother to raise, to nurture until he was better. Once my dad’s father even held a rifle to my father’s head and said, "why shouldn’t I pull the trigger??"…When my dad’s father lived with us, the neighbors would call and tell my mother to get her father-in-law out of the gutter where he had passed out, ( he was an extreme alcoholic.) He was beaten and I think something was said about sexual abuse. He was the runt of his moms some ten children, everyone else was treated pretty well, but my dad was the sickly one and his mom was a harsh, mean mean woman.

I remember growing up and wondering why she never wanted to contact me. And mom had told me one time Sue (my grandmother, I call by her first name because she doesn’t FEEL like a grandmother) called and told my mom she wanted to see me. My mom said of course, just let me know when and I will gladly work it out so you can see Hanna. Never heard from the woman again. When I was visiting my dad when I was 15, she called, and my dad told me to get on the phone and talk to her, so I did because I felt pressured. I think she had just gotten over a brain tumor, and I had the phone to my ear, and she was acting interested in me, and babbling about nothing I remember, then she said "I love you" and something in me snapped. The knowledge of how she was towards my father, and how she never made any effort to know her granddaughter, I said, "yeah right, " and hung up on her. Which is so weird for me, I am always so polite to people, expecially elders, I was always taught to be polite and respectful. But I felt justified, and I didn’t feel guilty. I could tell it upset my dad, even though he was treated horribly by her, he worked so hard to impress her, and he loved her so much, I think he felt bad for how I felt. But I was so adamant on my feelings regarding her, that he didn’t try to persuade me to think or feel otherwise.

She was the mother to him, that he was the father to me. But what really hurts and makes me mad, is  that his supposed love for me didn’t outweigh his past, and make him try harder to be a better parent.  I think thats some of…or maybe even the large part of why he did what he did two years ago August 6th.  I guess I want to know if his whole family was bad, something to be ashamed of, something thing to not be proud of. But this is why when I want to hate him, and blame him, I can’t, I feel guilty. He didn’t know any better.  

Wow guess that letter/pictures really stirred up alot.