Unresolved. Over Emotional. Hate. Bullies. Me.

Something I really hate about myself. Whenever some one is rude, or mean, or irrate, I seem to lose my confidence, and while they’re staring me hard in the face, I lower my eyes. I don’t have the guts to look them square back in the eyes, and I am not sure why. Well, I mean, I know it’s because I am insecure with myself, but I hate letting them get the best of me. I become so withdrawn and quiet, but inside I am this burning ball of fury, but I keep it supressed, eyes down, head down in like, a bow, and I appologize profously. I don’t know what to say. I hate that about myself. I get so angry afterwards, and think of all the things I wish I could have told the person.  Big, burly male customer’s come through the door and they intimidate me into a lower rate, and when I give in they are just, overly sweet. I usually do my best not to let them get the best of me, or get what they want, but to an extent I have no choice, I work in customer service, and if I want to keep my job, I have to comply right? 

The whole time they berate me, I feel like just screaming and punching them in the face. I have held in anger for so long, never expressing it, except maybe in here, that I feel like I want to burst now at the slightest annoyance. But who gives these customers the right to treat people so bad? You should have seen the one I had last night, he yelled at me for 10 minutes, without me even getting a word in edgewise, about how the room didn’t meet his standards and how he demanded a taller chair, shorter desk, firmer bed, blah blah blah. When I couldn’t provide any of those he yelled that a drunk person designed and furnished these rooms, blah blah blah….lol, I tried not to let him get to me. No one else has ever complained about the furniture in our rooms, he was just being a prick because he knew he could be. I really wanted to kick him out though. But I just kept my mouth shut, and let him keep putting me down, the hotel down, and anything else he had to say.  I really hate how people feel they have every right in the world to bully me. (Or anyone for that matter.)  I think I am a nice girl, all they have to do is treat me nicely and I will do everything I can to make their stay as comfortable as possible. But bullying me isn’t going to get some one what they want. Except my down turned eyes and persistant appoligizing for being the lowest class of a person they’ve ever met..(I don’t really believe that…it’s just sarcasim)

Another thing that has bothered me regarding the whole anger thing.  I know my mom was the example set in retaining your anger and never expressing it. She’s really bad about botteling up all of her emotions and letting people get away with hurting or angering her. I know thats where I get it from. But in many ways I am much stronger than my mom when it comes to emotions and expressing myself. But she’s the extreme case of submissiveness, so me being slightly emotionally stronger isn’t much at all. But I feel like, I have all this anger pent up inside of me, and its so big, that it’s starting to run out of places to be kept. I see myself exploding at the stupidest things these days. Becoming over emotional at the slightest comment or something. I feel it inside festering, and I know one day is going to come when I say thats it, and let it all out on some poor, unsuspecting soul. Who really doesn’t deserve everything I am lashing out with.  I tried talking to my mom about these feelings, which I realize instantly was a big mistake when she got this "oh no" look on her face. She instantly started to worry about me, mother-hening me all over the house. Started doubting herself as a mother, the whole works, which only made me angrier. I got short and irrtable so fast….

For example yesterday, she wanted my father’s dad’s Catholic obiturary card I had found somewhere, to assist her in her geneology research, so she follows me into my room. I pull out the photo album my father had left behind when my mother kicked him out 19 years earlier, and she started going through every single picture, and as much as I think I want to know where I come from, the minute she brings up my father and his family, and just anything, I found myself growing agitated, angry, and restless. I just wanted to shout at her to shut up. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, she just wants me to know where I come from, as far back as she can find it, so I can cherish the information, I know that. I had no excuse for exploding on her and making her the brunt of my grouchiness. I wouldn’t have even notice the extreme change in my behavior if I hadn’t been in such a free-spirited, silly mood just prior to the whole event.

I know a professional would obviously tell me the anger stems from my unresolved issues with my father, blah blah blah. And they would probably, of course be right. There ARE so many unresolved issues in that department. He seems to wind up in every journal entry… Thats only one cell of anger and emotion that is so strong inside of me. And I felt bad though, for lashing out at my mom, who was only being thoughtful on my behalf. I appologized, I hate it when we "fight." It was me with the problem, not her. But I just felt like she was just nagging, and digging deeper with her nails into my feelings, and clasping on tighter, and I just wanted her to let it all go, to give up the whole thing, only to make it easier to sit still, in order to quiet down whatever was screaming inside. Does any of that make sense?  This is only one example of moody I become out of nowhere. Its not even depression, I don’t feel sad, I feel….angry…like if I could just scream, and keep screaming until I can’t scream anymore, it would all be out of my system.

I guess all these thoughts and emotions just come to the surface as soon as some one, insitigates them. I usually do a good job of staying happy, and smiling, and pleasant. But sometimes, I find the customers that walk into this building, and the employees I work with, bring the worst side out of me. The side I don’t understand, nor want to. They bring out feelings I’d rather not face at all, but instead bottle up and push them aside.

—But anyways, enough of that. It was just inside, wanting to be written down. So I thought while the feelings and thoughts were fresh, and work was slow, I’d let it flow freely. —

I finally got around to filling out my financial aid form online. Things seem to get processed so much faster that way. This week I get to sign up for fall classes, meet with my advisor and make a new student ID now that they are taking our social security number off of everything and giving us random ID numbers. (Thank God about the new ID, the stupid girl snapped the picture while I was still saying my name so I look a little retarded. She wouldn’t even redo it either. So, this time it better turn out right!! Im so not photogenic either. I take horrible pictures. Frank insists I purposely mess them up lol. ) So thats all thats new with me. I am ready for him to be back from Scotland now. Five days of not talking to him has been tough. I am used to at least getting five minutes a day with him! I am starting to feel the twinges of withdrawl. I miss our witty banter and flirtatous innuendos. Even after 4 years he can make me blush <img alt="" src="http://www.opendiary.com/images/smileys/0029.gif&#8221; />.

And if you’re bored…lol   http://www.quizyourfriends.com/linkquiz01.php?quizname=060409201403-385123&amp;