The Box

Yes Kitty, I probably am just over paranoid, but I would rather be safe than sorry!!! I don’t want any surprises in the next five months, lol. Way too young and immature for a surprise of that kind!!!!

So anyways, it seems to be another slow night at work, and lately I have felt really….thoughtful. I can’t even put into words what I have been thinking because it seems like my mind is racing a 100 miles a minute.  I woke up this morning on my side, staring at a wall with three pictures. The first picture on the left, contains a very happy, sombrero crowned mother of 40. Her cheeks are flushed, she’s laughing, and its a rare picture that has her looking truely happy. I am glad the waiter at the resteraunt thought to capture it. Its my favorite picture of her. On the right is a picture of my oversized, fluffy cat. Pirched on the wooden rocking chair just unwrapped by my mother at Christmas time.  In the middle is a picture of me and Rachel taken at a silly photo booth in the mall, our cheeks are pressed together and we’re smilling.

 I must admit, I miss THAT Rachel, those rare moments when it was just us girls being silly, and for a while our boyfriends, and lives were just forgotten. Looking at the picture instantly brought a pang of pain and regret and sadness. On the way to work this afternoon, I thought about the picture, and the other ones I have scattered around my room, and I think it is time I boxed them up and mark them "Past." It only makes the lonliness worse knowing I have lost that.  I have also come to the conclusion that anything else I have that brings me pain, from people in my lives is going to go in that box too. I can’t move on if what is around me is holding me back.  I don’t know what picture will replace that one in the frame, but I know it needs to be something that will bring a smile to my lips when I wake up, as opposed to a sigh or a frown.

I can’t erase my past, and thats not what I am intending. If it weren’t for my past I wouldn’t be who I am today. And not everything in my past was bad, and thats what I want to remember.  Maybe by putting anything and everything that brings me sadness or a reminder of that sadness in the box will lift the burden and let some light in. Let me feel a bit freer from things that have been holding me back. Maybe I will find it as a stepping stone of just letting go. But I must confess, it is hard to let go of the past when you can’t see whats waiting for you in the future. I also feel incredibly guilty of letting go, because I feel that if I let go, I am losing a part of myself. So I find if I reflect back on things, it’s like they’re still a part of my life. Doesn’t that sound crazy?  I feel like I am just giving up, and who will I be without those things that I hold on to?  I will be naked and vounerable all over again. I hate that feeling, it’s so scarey.

I know I write about this feeling often, and I keep saying I am going to do something about it, but I never do. I just keep holding on, remembering, and I don’t feel any better after it. Living in the past is like a drug…you keep thinking if you have one more fix the pain will just go away, but you only end up feeling worse when its over. So you keep trying and keep trying until there’s nothing left of you. Until there’s nothing new and exciting, you aren’t able to just live and breath because you’re so caked out on crack or something. I don’t know how to describe it really. But thats how I feel. I live in some fantasy world…but its real…its just old.   The things I want to put into that box are the things I don’t want to carry around anymore, I don’t want them to follow me to my new life, whereever I happen to end up. I want them to stay right here in the past, where they belong.