Don’t Turn Around–She has a knife

It’s another boring Saturday night at work.  It was nearly full by the time I got here, so now I just wait for the reservations to finish checking it. Pretty much I just get to sit here and look pretty.  Good luck with that, lol.  I am in a good mood though, I feel like I have all this energy. I wish I could go dancing but alas, no one to go with. But thats okay, I should be used to spending Saturday nights at home, as a 20 yr old with her mom. I am used to it, I just don’t like it.  What’cha gunna do right?

Today was such a pretty day, before work my mom took me to lunch and then we went shopping. JC Penny’s was having some GREAT sales on summer tops, and I have like ZERO summer clothes, so I kind of splurged. They’re really cute, and I look forward to the first day I don’t have to wear this stupid work get up and get into those cute clothes, lol. I think Weds. I will head over to Old Navy and rampage their flip-flop rack…haha. 3.99 a pair for every color you can think of. Its like Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but with flip flops!!! I don’t like shopping but I do have my fave items I like to buy. I breath through my feet. I hate shoes and socks, so any chance I get to go barefoot or wear flip flops I jump on it. But today I bought all these bright tops, so now I need matchin’ flops, lol.

Well, I found out some interesting news tonight. Back when Sam and I were tight, working together and hangin’ out a lot, apparently she told a mutual friend that I trash talked  her behind her back and that my relationship with Frank wasn’t all that..and some other immature stuff.  I am not really surprised at this. I mean she talked bad about her other "supposed" friends, and I’d be rather silly to believe she didn’t talk about me.  It’s all a bunch of highschool, petty childish girl crap. I am above that. I do think its funny what she says though. I always defended her and I was the reason she kept her job here lol. The boss AND owner wanted to fire her, but because she was MY friend and I covered for her, she got to keep her job. Shrug, so I dunno what trash talking she’s thinkin’ about. As for Frank, well, I think jealousy lies at the root of that rumor. I have kept one boyfriend for four years. A loyal, compatabile, relationship with great chemistry and passion. While through the course of ONE year has had like 6 boyfriends, all of whom she cheated on, lol. So yeah, her comments = humor.  I don’t even care. I am not confronting her for two reasons. One, it would mean giving up our mutual friend since I forced it out of him, and two, because it’d be stupid. I am not going down to her level. I am almost 21, and if she can’t act mature at 20, then..well…yeah.

What gets me though, is how girls can be this petty and catty. Is it written in our DNA some where to act like total bitches behind eachother’s backs? Smile to the face, but by god if you turn around watch out! lol. I am not saying  I am not guilty of my catty moments, but I only get catty when being pushed into a corner ya know? I hate being treated bad so I do everything in my power to treat people the way I feel I deserve to be treated. It makes me sad though, that I have come to this point in my life where now I cannot trust anyone. I confided in her so much and even in Rachel, only to have a friendship end up like that. I am tired of investing in something that doesn’t profit me ya know?  I used to be this ever-trusting person who only saw the good in people. I find more and more that I expect the worst and trust not enough. And I hate that because it shouldn’t be that way you know? I am constantly paranoid now that the people I meet, who are nice to my face aren’t saying and thinking something completely different when I am not around.  I hate being paranoid. It takes too much of my energy.

On another note, my mom has been doing our family’s geneology lately. She has found her families information quite a ways back. For me, she has tried finding my dad’s linage, but hasn’t had much luck. She was only married to him for 5 years but they never were around his family, and when they split up I never even saw that side of the family again. So other then my dad and some immediate family members, we didn’t have any names to work with. So, I googled the last name a couple days ago, and one named for some reason kind of called to me. All the people with the last name (it’s really not a common last name) are from Michigan, which is where my father was born and raised. So I emailed this lady, just by chance. I didn’t even think she’d reply, but she did. Apparently she’s married to my dad’s first cousin! Apparently her mother-in-law has a lot of information about my dad’s side of the family, and she has given my mom and I a phone number to call.

Its weird how excited I got over that. My dad came from SUCH a dysfunctional family, its a wonder he lived as long as he did. His family was so bad that my mom didn’t keep me from them, but she didn’t make an effort to make me have a relationship with them. Of course they didn’t make an effort to have a relationship with me. But none the less, its my family, its my roots, my herritage. And now that my father is gone, I won’t ever get to know him because of what he did. I will never know where I come from or what the rest of his family was like other than his own parents who were terrible people. I want to know who I am, and what I come from. Other then a long line of drunk, crazies, lol.  But it felt good, because through that e-mail I felt like I was connected to the other half that makes me up ya know? I know my mom’s family already…I know what I get from them. ….I dunno, its just now that he’s gone, I have this strong desire to know him. I feel so cheated sometimes. No matter how many times I write in here I am going to move on from it I can’t….It’s always in the back of my mind. When my grandmother died, my mom just kept saying over and over her world felt…so off kilter…and I didn’t know what she meant ….but now I get it…people ask about my parents..I say they divorced…then they ask about my dad and I start to say well …I saw him when I was fifteen but….and then I remember, he’s gone. I think people get the hint when I get quiet, it’s like they figure out something is terribly wrong with the picture and they move on from the topic. What do you say?

Wellllllllll I guess I could go work on some homework. =)